1/17/2021 0 Comments January 17th, 2021AloneIt's not easy really, being alone. I spend all day by myself. Rarely seeing another person unless I go to the store. When I reconnected with my family, I saw it as a chance to start anew, finally build the bonds that were never there before. Instead, the family ignores me. They sit staring at their devices. I at first tried to make myself as available as possible to talk with my family whenever I would be over. Now, I just sit staring at my phone the whole time, because it's obvious: no one is really interested in building the familial relationship that there should have already been. It's getting to the point that I have little interest in visiting my family. All it's useful now is to have a comfortable place to check my social media. That's really it, outside of cuddling with mom, the only one who seems interested at all in having a relationship with me. It honestly kinda breaks my heart. I was so hoping that, maybe, finally, when I started reconnecting with my parents, it would be the start of a new healthy bond, that I would finally be part of a family. Instead, no one is interested in me being there and I just feel left out of the family, just as before. I guess it's hard, because I know this is really the last chance to build that bond before the older of my younger sisters gets married and I become even less important than I am now, and the other one getting ready to flee. I guess it's really just hard because I have to face it: I don't have a family. I'm not part of one. I am alone. I hate it. It makes my bad behaviors such as my attention seeking all the worse. It makes my already existing feelings of being unloved even worse. I have been working on that, reminding myself that mom and my best friend love and care about me, it has helped a lot. I guess I just wish there was a deeper bond. With my mom, as much as I love her, I have to keep her at arm's length, because anything I tell her will get told to my abusive father, and I cannot allow him to get any control over me again, to ensure there's no abuse. Even if not for that, mom still neglected me growing up and was the most vitriolic towards me being trans, so I would be hesitant anyways, but I would be far more free with the information to her on how I feel and everything. I guess it's hard because I don't have much of a healthy outlet. Let's be honest, blogging your innermost feelings for the whole world to read is probably not the smartest or healthiest thing to do. Heck, I know it's dumb. But, I just need to feel heard. I need to not feel completely alone. It's so wonderful hearing from others who feel the same way about whatever I write about. It makes me feel less alone. I don't like feeling so alone and lonely. It makes me feel empty. Like, what's really the point of my life if I can't share it with others, outside of random strangers on the internet who I will never know and do not need to be knowing what's going on in my life on the intimate level that only a loved one should have access to. I guess if we're putting this in terms of a relationship, I just gave my heart to many people who don't love me, and have no room for the one who does. How could someone come into my life and be a friend if they read my blog first? There's really nothing left for them. I say everything here. And, if things aren't going well between us, I'll write about it here. Heck, I've put former friends on blast before on my blog (didn't name them, obviously, I'm not THAT petty, I just made it obvious enough that if that person were to ever read it, they'd know I'm talking about them, but no one else would know, just me and that person). I'm just rambling now. Not really much of a point outside of feeling extremely lonely and alone. I'm heartbroken that I'm not a part of a family. My own family doesn't really want me as a part of them. They just don't have the time to include me, I guess. Story of my life. Oh well, what can I do? Nothing I guess. If they don't want me, there's nothing I can do about it. Honestly, at this point I've resigned myself to not really having a family or ever knowing what it's like to not feel alone. With all my problems and trauma, why would it change? If I can't build a relationship with my physical family, and I struggle so much with basic friendships, I guess I can't expect anything deeper or to not feel alone. Sigh. I cannot wait for Heaven. This is one of the many reasons why I wish for a young death. I'm ready for an end to the trauma, the loneliness, the being alone, not being part of a family, feeling unloved, etc. In Heaven I wouldn't feel that way. I wouldn't have trauma and have a dysphoric body. May the day I go up to Heaven be soon. I'm already tired of down here. If this is the best life gets, I am so beyond done.
P.S. I wrote this around 8am on January 15, 2021. It is now 12:19pm of the same day. I was worrying about all this, and it kinda got to a breaking point. A different one than usual. Normally, these thoughts drive me to suicidal actions. This time when I broke down crying, I instead just prayed to God, that He would be the one to love me on a deeper level. That He would be the one that I feel heard by. That He would be the one to allow me to not feel alone and lonely. That He is the relationship that I have that grows strong despite my trauma and inability to have healthy relationships. I mean, it's literally my only choice, if I don't want suicide. So, I'm going to give God a shot and have faith that He delivers, that He truly will be the one to allow me to feel heard, feel loved, to not feel alone and lonely. The one to put up with my trauma and inability to act decently in a relationship. It's all I got, all I can do. Me doing this all on my own just isn't working. P.S.S. It's 4:37pm on the same day. Upon further reflection, I came to realize just how destructive this desire for love really is. I mean, it was pushing me to suicide. I really need to focus on and accept the love I have. It's the love I was given. I need to be content and thankful for it. Honestly, I think my very conflicting feelings on love has been making all this hard. Grew up with a very twisted view of love, but my dream was to be a wife and mother. But, because I was born male, I learned over the years how to be a hermit, mostly prodded by my parents who never let me get out much. Then, when I became a teen, a lot of pressure was placed on me to get married, and young (funny enough, as much as they tried to force marriage on me, none of them ever actually talked to me about marriage or relationships other than to tell me that I needed to get into one, and soon. Got a bit more to say later). Add that to me having no interest in being a husband, I learned to literally despise the notion of marriage. Then, I got rejected by my parents for being trans. Then I started suffering from touch starvation and feeling alone and lonely. I learned to despise any notion of love and set out to convince myself that love isn't real. Something I didn't stop doing until late last year, because I the very notion of love just opens up too many wounds. If I'm being honest, I still hate the notion of love, but I'm no longer trying to delude myself. I know it exists, and I have accepted it. I just have to live with the fact that love will just be a sore spot for me. When I see someone post about how much they love their partner or their child, it will always leave a sour taste in my mouth most likely. Love just has such a poor track record with me, that the concept hurts me. I guess I just wish love worked for me, not against me. This broken idea of love that abuse instilled in me is the cause of so much trauma and broken relationships. It harmed me greatly. Few things have harmed me as much as the statement "I love you" after being abused. I never felt loved in those moments, but because I never had a reference for what love actually is, I accepted that it was love and that love was evil and something I didn't want. Oh, and going back to earlier, after the touch starvation feeling lonely and alone, as the cherry on top, once I started transitioning, many of those old desires that I buried came back. That old desire to be a wife and mother came back, adding to my misery. So, I learned to despise any form of love and that marriage wasn't for me, and now, all of the sudden, I feel that I kinda want marriage again. So, now, I'm conflicted. Well, honestly, that's what has gotten me to write this post in the first place. The conflict within me. This conflict between my desire from childhood, that I buried but never resolved and my learned hatred of love and marriage in particular. I taught myself over the years to love singleness. Years of programming is at threat of being undone, because of this silly, stupid childhood want. Yes, I genuinely hate that it's something I want. I was content in my singleness. I didn't need this conflict. I don't want it. I want it to go away. Yet, it won't. The longer I reject it, the more miserable I get. Why do I refuse to accept it? Pride and fear. Pride because I always viewed myself as better than those who accepted love and were in relationships. I taught myself to think that my being alone made me better because "I don't need others." A stupid, stupid, prideful statement, but one I've pounded into my head as a coping statement for many years now, so I don't want to let it go. Fear, because if I do accept this desire, then I have to confront my insecurities and my trauma and how bad I am at relationships. I prefer not to do that. Yet, not doing it, I am miserable. Thing is, because of how miserable I've been my whole life, there's a sort of twisted comfort I receive from misery. It's what I am used to. Learning to accept love and be vulnerable in a healthy way is scary and goes against everything I've taught myself and learned via abuse. Thing is, I'm also scared for other reasons. I genuinely do not believe that I will get married. Because of how entrenched the trauma is in me, how incapable of holding down basic relationships I am, I just don't see it. Remember when I said I had a bit more to say later about the people forcing me into marriage? Well, here it goes: not only did they never talk to me about marriage or relationships, they never even gave me an example to look up to. So, my parents, they're rarely seen together at home. If they're together at home, it's in their bedroom with the door closed or out in the open (living room or dad's den or something) talking about taxes or what to buy. Basically, I never get to see them actually interact. Literally the picture of marriage I have from observing them is that a married couple are two people who live under the same roof but only interact if they absolutely have to. How about my grandparents on my mom's side? (The only grandparents I spent significant time with) Well, all they ever do is fight. The image I get of a marriage from them is that a couple are two people who basically hate each other, but because they made a vow, they stick it out. The only other couple I spent significant time around growing up was my childhood best friend. His mom cheated on his dad. They often fought. The dad was often absent. Thing is, I don't have an image of what marriage is supposed to be. In my head, marriage is a miserable experience where you never interact with your spouse otherwise you will always fight. That's what happens I guess when your examples of married couples presented to you throughout your life are terrible examples (And, on top of that, no one ever sat down, talked about what a healthy relationship is, what to look for in a spouse, etc.). Thing is, because that's all I know, I will naturally gravitate towards doing that. I know I would, because I am naturally abusive towards people, because I was raised by an abuser. When my case manager was talking to me about what to look for in a partner and what to watch out for, there were many things in "what to watch out for" that never occurred to me were bad. They were just normal for me, growing up abused. Even worse, was how many negative things she listed that I recognized in myself, many abusive things that I do to others. Anyway, thing is, I have no image of a healthy relationship. At this point, I don't even know what I could do to even get a look at what a healthy relationship looks like. On top of that, I don't really have anyone that I could even go to for advice in a relationship. Also, with how controlling my parents are of me, I can't even imagine getting into a relationship and letting them know. I know they have no faith in me and would immediately try to control the relationship. So, those are some of the big reasons I don't believe I will get married. And, if I decide to accept that it's a natural desire and open myself up in a healthy way, stop hating love, etc., thing is, I know I won't get married. Basically, I'll be stuck with this desire unfulfilled. That sounds like hell. So, I am scared to do so. No matter what, I've been praying that God do what He wills with this desire. So far, it's definitely not gone, but seems more tolerable. So far. Anyway, I have been typing this out for an hour now. I really need to shut up now. Been going on way too long. Final note, I swear: thing is, I know if I were to get into a romantic relationship, at least, anytime even remotely soon, it would be very destructive. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, all my old fears, traumas, paranoia etc., would all come flying back immediately. My partner would be hurt greatly, by me. I would be passing my pain on to someone else wrongly. The relationship wouldn't be good for me, or the other person, at all. I literally would be unable to handle it. While it is admittedly, a bit distressful to realize, and it's something I wish wasn't true, it is. I've been forced to realize that this is one of my many dreams that will never come true. I'm literally too traumatized and broken for it. So, that's why I have been making an effort on focusing on my current relationships, and being content with and accepting the love poured out to me right now. I guess, what I'm saying is, it's not God's desire for me. This past week has been an exercise in learning to lay down my desires and follow His, and being a wife was one of those He had me give up, because at the end of the day, His desire is for things that don't hurt people. So, I have been letting go of that desire, at least trying to. No matter what happens, it's not going to be an easy road. My life has always been hard, often intolerably hard, so that's a prospect I don't enjoy. I guess all I can do is take the terrible hand dealt to me in life and try to make the most of it.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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