I’m a trans woman who wishes she had the ability to get pregnant. Ever since I was little, being a mother was one of my biggest wishes. So, finding out that I was unable to be one completely ruined me. Between that, and my life seemingly doomed to be lived out as a man, I had literally no hope for the future. Today, I pretty much just have to force myself to not even think of it unless I get extremely depressed. What makes it even worse is the fact that there isn’t a place in society for trans women like me who wish we could have our own children. We are demonized by transphobes, considered to be the most abhorrent of “deviants” and accused of having a perverted fetish for wanting to have our own kids. Even in the trans community we cannot find a place to vent our frustrations and try to heal. Too many times in trans spaces have I seen where a trans woman admits that she’s heart-broken that she’s unable to have kids, and all the responses end up being: “get over it.” “It’s not that big of a deal.” “Yeah, but, hey, at least you don’t have to deal with periods!” Our desires are completely disrespected even in the trans community, which has taught me two things: the trans community is too reactionary. We are so scared of how transphobes see us that we’ll throw under the bus anyone that we think the transphobes might target. The most important thing I learned is that no one, not even other trans women actually view ourselves or other trans women as women. The slogan “trans women are women and trans men are men” isn’t the actual beliefs of the trans community. Why do I say this? Imagine you’re speaking to a cis woman and she mentions that she’s barren and it breaks her heart as she really wishes she could have her own kids. Do you think that all the trans ladies telling other trans ladies to “get over it” would tell this to a barren cis woman? Certainly not. You’d have to be completely void of emotion or consideration for others to say that. Everyone knows you don’t say that to a barren cis woman. So, why is it ok to say it to trans women who wish they were able to get pregnant? Because we’re seen as men. If we were seen as women, we would be treated as women. People would recognize that us trans women have many of the same desires as cis women, because, we are women after all. Many trans women desire to have their own children, but, it’s not recognized as normal or healthy because we’re seen as men, even by other trans women. It’s really that simple and needs to stop. I’m sick and tired of having my desires and emotions tossed to the side because I was assigned male at birth, that because I wasn’t born with a uterus I don’t have the same desires of so many women. I do, and always have. No one is being benefited by pretending that trans women can’t have the same desires, wishes, and thoughts of cis women. I mean, we're all women, aren't we?
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8/25/2021 0 Comments The Impact of KindnessToday, someone did something extraordinarily kind to me. They sent me $50 over Ko-Fi. I’m not used to kindness. I’m not used to someone doing something like this for me. I mean, sure, I have $52 in overdraft charges, almost out of gas, and can't pay my phone bill, but why would you do this for me? It always sticks out whenever someone does something for me (that’s not negative). Like, why? I don’t get it. I don’t see why I’m deserving of kindness to be honest. It doesn’t feel like I am, that is. Intellectually I know I do, but it’s not my experience to be treated well. My first instinct when seeing the donation was “how do I refund this back to them?” Kind acts like this just don’t happen to me, and growing up I was taught that if someone did, you refused them. I’m not joking. That actually was blatantly taught to me as a child to refuse kind acts. And to think I used to wonder why my life is without joy… But, anyway, growing up abused and trans you learn one thing quite quickly in life: “think life sucks now? Well, get ready, it only gets worse.” In my life, things only ever got harder to cope with. Harder to handle. The abuse worsened. My gender dysphoria worsened. My trauma got harder to cope with. Heck, it’s to the point I genuinely cannot remember much of my life. I’m not joking when I say I probably cannot remember 99% of my life because my brain is so used to being forced to block everything out because of how much trauma I have endured. That said, most of my memories are of traumatic things that happened to me. I remember as a child wishing to die young. I remember praying to God for me to be dead by age 25. I knew I could never live as a man. Life would never be worth it if I was forced to live as a man. As I got older, that and abuse made me want to die young. Nothing good ever seemed to happen, especially once my family moved to Indiana and I was completely separated from society to such an extreme that at one point I didn’t even leave my family’s property for about 4 months (not of choice, mind you). I didn’t even know anyone who really showed kindness to me. I remember the very first time someone actually showed kindness, and it was at my first job. I will never forget that person. They’re near and dear to my heart for that reason. I remember the people who accepted me when I came out as trans to them. I never expected acceptance, at all. I fully expected to kill myself. I only ever came out to people in spring 2019 because if I didn’t, well, I would kill myself. That said, I expected them to not accept me, so I would just kill myself because of that. I didn’t foresee a scenario where I would be accepted. I literally did not know a single person who was openly LGBT accepting. I NEVER knew a person who was. Thankfully, pretty much everyone I came out to really early on was accepting. Then, people started taking me out on shopping trips to find women’s clothing. One person drove me to the informed consent clinic to start HRT. I didn’t know, and still don’t really know how to accept these acts of kindness. People being kind to me, is well, new to me. It’s hard to accept gifts from others. It’s hard to accept that they do accept me. This is so radically different from what I knew my first 20 years of life. When someone does something kind to me, I don’t forget it. While the majority of my memories are of trauma, there is a slowly growing number of memories of acts of kindness done towards me. Just know, to everyone who has shown kindness towards me, I remember it, and you don’t know just how much your act no matter how small it seemed to you, truly impacted me. I am finally starting to see that maybe, just maybe, life isn’t just darkness that only gets darker. Maybe, there is some light. I'm emotionally attached to my family. I shouldn't be. They have shown time and time again over 22 years that they don't have much regard for me. I'm not important to them. Yet, I love them all so much and desire a relationship with them above all. I know it's not healthy to chase after unreciprocated love, but, how do you stop? How do you just move on and accept that your family, the people who birthed you, raised you, and grew up seeing every day, don't really care that much about having a relationship with you that's not extremely shallow (as in, they want you around, but don't want to actually know you, spend time with you, etc. Basically, they just want to see your face and that's it). How do you get over this, especially when family is the most important thing to you? Also, when your family is the only people in real life you ever interact with (and even then, the interactions are shallow)? I just don't know how to accept this and move on. Especially because, as mentioned, they're really the only people I get to interact with. They're also the only family I really have. I don't have a "chosen family" (outside of one friend who I do consider to be family, but it's a strictly online experience. Not to take away from online relationships as they can be very deep as well, but there is that difference between online and offline), heck, anyone offline I spend time with really. I don't interact with extended family at all either. To be honest, it's highly likely I never see them again. My mom's side is transphobic (but apparently they're supportive, which to be honest I highly doubt, because I remember them making quite a few statements on trans people which were quite awful and using quite a few slurs. So, yeah, I don't trust them when they claim to be supportive the moment their grankid comes out as trans), and my dad's side I was never close with an always felt like an outsider (though they are genuinely supportive from what I hear). Like, there's no replacement for my family. The moment I accept the loss of my blood family, even though I will still see them, but not trying to have a genuine relationship anymore, that's it. No more family. My one desire in life, gone, just like that. I don't have a family anymore. I just can't bring myself to do that. There's so much pain in that. But, there's so much pain in attempting to build a relationship with them as well, as they don't want one. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I want to move on, but that's terrifying and to be honest, I know will only make me feel more lonely than I already feel. I feel so beyond lonely most of the time, and even a good chunk of the time: alone. Completely alone. I am terrified of those feelings intensifying once I stop chasing after that relationship with my family that doesn't want it. 8/10/2021 0 Comments Transition UpdateSo, I have been transitioning for 17 months now. My transition stalled out 10 months ago, and started slowly reversing 6 months ago. So, I haven't really noticed any changes in a long time, except for negative changes, like smaller breasts and my facial hair growing as rapidly as it was pre-HRT. Well, thankfully, as of late, as in, last few weeks, my transition seems to have stopped reversing. In fact, there seem to be changes again. Not many, but some. My facial hair is growing slower again. Don't have to shave every single day. Most days, yes, but at least once a week I don't have to shave thankfully. It's something I first noticed awhile ago, but wasn't completely certain on until just yesterday when it became undeniable, but I am developing curves. Yes. I was NOT expecting that, but it's a change that I cannot pretend isn't there. My body is starting to get curvy. Doesn't make up for lack of breast growth (still rocking A cups despite having taken stuff to grow breasts for over two years. Yes, I was taking stuff to grow breasts even before HRT, and it worked some. Definitely had some growth, but after two years of first doing DIY and now HRT, I only have A cups. Definitely frustrated. Like, my breasts are hard to notice in a lot of my outfits, and that is so frustrating. Even in outfits where my breasts are visible people still misgender me, so it's not fun not having that extra signal I'm a woman), but it's definitely a pleasant surprise. I am shrinking. My middle sister is now taller than me. No official measurements, but when my mom measured me, it looks as if I'm now 5'5". I used to be 5'7". Hair is now long enough to put into a very small ponytail (and I mean, VERY small). Long enough to use a headband though, and I have really been rocking the headbands. Love the look (picture of me rocking a headband). My feet have shrank. I used to be a women's size 13, now I'm a women's size 11. So, while changes have been excruciatingly slow because I didn't have enough body fat (because I don't have enough food to eat, but lately have been able to eat a bit more), and so therefore the changes were reversing, there have been some as of late, and I will try to celebrate those even if they're not the ones I wanted (more feminization in the face and breast growth being the main ones wanted). |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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