11/27/2020 0 Comments Desire For Family V. The RealityI've been working with my therapist to create realistic expectations for my family, and to cope with the knowledge that I'll never have the family I need or want. Both of my younger sisters are adults now. It's hard to find the time to bond, especially when we never had one before. The oldest of my sisters is getting ready for marriage, making creating a relationship with her all the harder. The youngest has found a family of her own and has plans on where she wants to live. In addition to all, there's no doubt in anyone's mind that marriage is in the cards for her, almost certainly sooner rather than later. Like, everyone would be surprised if that didn't happen. Then, there's me, still chasing after the OG family, left behind. Mom is sick, fragile, and weak. She cannot take care of herself at all. Dad is quickly getting there. Both of my sisters have will not be helping to take care of our parents. The older sister will be living with her future husband, current boyfriend in a different city. The youngest sister plans to go to another city as well. That leaves me. I want to do it. But, I have to keep mom and dad, mostly dad, at arm's length because of his controlling narcissism. Neither mom or dad are emotionally mature (I'm not either, but at least I'm seeing a therapist to help me learn to be. Mom and dad don't see a problem with their behavior). I'll have to keep myself safe from abuse while being their sole caretaker. I'm going to be spending all my time tending to mom and dad while they are still living. I won't have the time to find a family of my own. That's depressing for me. I've always cared about family so much, spent my entire life trying to make it work with my family, and knowing that I'll never have the family I need or want is depressing. I'll never truly be part of a family, one of two things I have always wanted.
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11/19/2020 0 Comments No PointWhat's the point of fighting for a better life? I don't see one, because things just get worse. My entire life I felt devalued, especially since no one ever celebrated the good things. Like, my birthday was often an after-thought, often-times celebrating other things instead, such as going to the wedding of someone that I didn't even know (and still don't know) or celebrating that one of my aunts and uncles were having their child. My birthday has often got thrown to the side. Then, how about my graduation? No party, which is fine with me, I hate being the center of attention, so we had grandparents over and we were planning to go out to eat. Did I, the graduate get to choose where we went out to eat? Noooooo. My parents, who, apparently were the people we were actually celebrating got to choose. I wanted to go to a local Chinese buffet. They wanted burgers, 5 Guys & Fries more specifically, a place I had never been to. I had to fight for several hours just to get a compromise to go to Culver's instead, because at least I had eaten there before. I'm still bitter as fuck over that. It made me feel so devalued, like nothing I did mattered. Then, this year, most of my friends didn't care when I started transitioning. Most of them didn't say a word. Most of them still don't say anything, most don't even say my name or pronouns. Then, there's the fact that this was my first birthday and will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas as my true self. Something that should be positive, finally getting to celebrate them correctly. Instead, my first girl birthday was the worst, which is no small feat, and one I never want to remember, and this Thanksgiving, literally the one holiday I actually enjoy, and a day that truly means a lot to me, I don't even get to celebrate this year, and this Christmas is shaping up to be the worst Christmas yet, which is no small feat. It feels like I'm being punished for choosing to live. It feels like I'm being punished for choosing to not be abused. Honestly, it feels as if the wiser choice would have been to have just killed myself last year when I hit my "transition or die" moment. Things just keep getting worse for me because I chose to live. I feel unvalued, and punished for fighting for a reason to live. I feel completely demoralized. I hate myself right now, especially for living.
11/17/2020 0 Comments Accomplishments and Having PrideI see a lot on Twitter and Facebook posts of people asking you to share your accomplishments and/or what you take pride in. That, or people just proudly sharing their accomplishments or the things they take pride in. When it comes to accomplishments, it's usually about college work, like nailing a really hard test or finishing a big paper, or whatever. Or, it's about one's job, and how well that's going. Many times it's about one's family, and how they've bought a house for their family to live in, or something like that. When it comes to what people take pride in, it's usually their relationship with their partner or their family. All these things are praised and viewed as good things by society.
Then, there's me. What have I accomplished? Nothing. If I were to be cynical though, my response would be: not killing myself. But, in all reality, nothing. I have no accomplishments to my name. But, if we talk about what I take pride in, I have an actual answer for that: my transition. I was suicidal for six years due to dysphoria, I was literally ready to end my life when I finally began transitioning on March 11 of 2020. I had no hope. My transition is the greatest thing that ever has and ever will happen to me, because it's literally the thing that allowed me to live. Literally nothing that happens to me in the future could happen without me having had transitioned. It's the one thing I take pride in, it's my source of strength. Being a woman is what I gather my strength from, it's something I'm genuinely proud of. And yet, not many care, at best, at worst, I'm scorned for it. Even some of my irl friends don't care about my transition at all. It's hard having many of them not care about my transition, the one thing I have to take pride in, and yet, me being expected to celebrate their wedding or having a child or whatever. It's hard. It's to the point where I'm starting to not care about some of their lives or the good things that happen to them, because none of them even bother to congratulate me on the good things that happen to me. It's just hard having the one thing you can gain strength from be something that much of society, and even your own family, abhors. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel as if I don't matter, as if my problems don't matter, and as if my accomplishments don't matter. It sucks. It sucks knowing that my value and worth in society completely depends on me being not-trans as possible. Many, including people I thought I could consider friends, won't care about my accomplishments or whatever unless I graduate from college, or get a partner, have a family, whatever. You know, cis-normative things. Things that cisgender people relate to, because if it's not cis-normative, it clearly just isn't that important. I want my life to have importance outside of being a college graduate, having a good job and being a good wife. I hate that that's the only thing that will allow me to matter at all in the eyes of most. I want to matter outside of that. Apparently, that's too much to ask for though. 11/11/2020 0 Comments Relationship With God?
I find myself often not talking to God, because I'm used to doing it alone, and when I do talk to Him, it's almost always to pray over others, and neglect to pray for myself. I resist going to my friends when I'm in need. I'm often scared to talk to my friends period because I'm scared that I'm that much of a failure at being a friend. So, I resist going to God. I'm used to doing it all on my own. It's scary to ask for help, especially when you were often punished for doing so by your parents. I know that makes me self-centered, and means I'm only handicapping myself not only in regards to earthly relationships, but a relationship with God as well. I guess I just don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I don't know how to actually trust others. I don't know to rely on others, including God. I don't really know how to talk to God, especially when He's invisible and doesn't audibly speak to me. Doesn't help that I'm terrible at holding conversations with people. I want to grow spiritually, but I don't know how. I'm not a part of a church, can't really search for one thanks to COVID, and even if I could, I'd be scared to. I have such horrible experiences with church. Church has hurt me greatly, Church is where I learned that I'm a sub-human monster that's not worth anything and is destroying this world and will burn in Hell forever because of how I was born. While I know that's not true now, it's still a huge scar on me, and makes me less trusting of other Christians. So, I have no spiritual accountability, no one to talk to about spiritual matters, no guidance to help me grow spiritually, etc. I've just never been truly embedded in a church growing up, because I had to hide my secret of being trans, and now that's coming back to destroy me. I love the idea of being part of a church, but actually doing it terrifies me. I want to get publicly baptized, but I don't trust the Church, and to be honest, God, despite the fact He's given me every single reason to, but I don't because I'm a foolish, selfish, self-absorbed, dim-witted person. Anyway, I'm just ranting at this point, so I should probably shut up now.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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