4/29/2020 0 Comments Growing Up (Or Not)So, I've been holding this in for awhile and I honestly feel as if I'm going to explode if I have to hold it in one more minute. I honestly can't keep this in anymore, so here it goes: I know I'm extremely immature, like, super immature, and attention-seeking. A few days ago I made so controversial posts on Facebook, knowing that they would get attention, and therefore giving me attention. I didn't care that they would divide people, I just wanted attention. I'm an attention-seeker, been one my entire life, and now as an adult I'm still so desperate for it that now I post purposely divisive stuff on social media just to get a reaction so people can notice me. Then, when people attack me in those posts (or when I perceive people as attacking me, but really aren’t, like what just happened two days ago), I don’t know how to handle it in a mature way. Even when I step back from a situation as it’ s happening, and sometimes even afterwards, I look to try to find a mature solution, and I realize I literally have no clue how to have handled it maturely in most situations. I literally don’t know how to be mature. I was one of those kids who growing up people would make the “you’re so mature for your age!” comment about. You know, those kids who act like adults. What those people who make those comments will never realize is that in all reality, I ran out of serotonin at a really early age. I was forced to act like an adult because I was the only one who cared about me at all. My parents weren’t there for me, my sisters hated me when I was younger, and I’ve never really had friends (can count them all on two hands, only one of those friendships lasted longer than a year, haven’t had an actual friendship since 8th grade). I’ve always been completely alone. I had to grow up too fast. As a small child I was seeing the world for what it is. What people don’t realize about kids who grew up too fast, or are “so mature for your age!” is that we never truly grew up. We just acted like adults, and since we rarely were required to act that way for long periods of time, we could get away with it, but with no one caring about us, no being there for us, and more importantly, guiding us, helping us truly grow up, we never actually became more mature, we stayed as little children maturity wise. I’m 21 and I still throw temper tantrums. I’ve never truly grown up. I was thrust into adulthood before I was ready, and because of that, have never been able to build up the things necessary for being an adult. I still am just a child.
Add to that the fact that I’m now, at 21, just going through my teen years. Yes, at 21 I have finally reached my teen years cognitively. I have only, really since this year started, finding myself acting like a teen in many cases. For instance, I was never really that rebellious against my parents, I just submitted to them, even if I despised it, because they were mom & dad and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Now, I find myself often openly rebelling against them and purposely pushing boundaries and stuff like that. Heck, I’m just rebellious in general, just want to rebel against the system. I never cared about “fitting in” before, but now all I care about is seeming cool and fitting in with everyone else. I never really took risks before, but now, I’m constantly taking risks, usually extremely stupid ones. I feel more stress than I ever did before. More than ever I see myself as an adult, despite the fact that I know I am not cognitively or emotionally one, but I still demand to be treated as one. If I’m being honest, my parents are correct in telling me that I am a child, because I really am one, but, I still get angry with them and makes me rebel against them more, and causes me to want to hurt them out of spite. I want to be treated as an adult despite not being ready in all honesty. Kind of going with this theme, in terms of relationships with others. The last time I had actual relationships with anyone was eighth grade. Before high school. To be fair, I sucked at being a friend even when I did have them because I had friends so rarely. During high school, I was completely sheltered, even going months on end without leaving our property, because we were homeschooled. I didn’t have any relationships with anyone during that transitional time. Now, I’m an adult, and just expected to know how to act and hold down an adult relationship. I don’t. I really don’t, and I’m scared. Last year, a few people tried to be my friend, the first time since eighth grade, and I was genuinely grateful, but what did I end up doing because I’m immature, don’t know how to act like an adult, and don’t know how a relationship works? I pushed them away. I’m deathly afraid of pushing people away, after every conversation or interaction, whatever, I’m analyzing non-stop to figure out what I did wrong, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, because I’m so insecure about how horrible at relationships I am. I don’t know how to be a friend. I honestly don’t. When I start thinking about that, I usually end up wanting to kill myself because it hurts me so greatly. All I end up doing is hurting the person trying to reach out to me. I’m scared that I’ll never have friends, or be able to hold down a friendship or anything like that because I don’t know how to act or whatever. I hate myself because of this so much. I’m supposed to know this stuff already, I’m an adult, and they’re adults. They all have actual lives, children to take care of, marriages or other romantic relationships, actual friends, careers, families who care about them and that they take of, etc. I’m the definition of “nobody.” I shouldn’t expect everyone, who has busy lives and know people who are capable of being adults and having adult relationships, to bend over for me who doesn’t. That depresses me, knowing that I’m not likely to even really have a shot at it, because even the people who do reach out now are probably going to get sick and tired of me. Everyone does. I never had a safe place to learn to grow up, and now that I’m an adult and supposed to have grown up, I don’t have a safe place to grow up anymore, I’m just expected to be grown up, and therefore, I’m scared I will never actually grow up.
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4/16/2020 0 Comments What I NeedI read an article about loving yourself, learning how to do it more specifically as that has been my greatest struggle. I do not love myself, and I do not know how to do it if I am being honest. I have never known what love is as I have never been loved and have never been around people who love each other. I don't have any examples to look at for love. My only knowledge of love is that I know I am unloved, and what I know from studying psychology and the Bible. Basically, I know it is nothing like how Disney presents it. I know that it's something I so desperately crave, something that I'm so lacking in that it has driven me to attempt suicide and it has made me touch-starved. Not being loved (and crippling gender dysphoria, which is thankfully gone now due to the fact I'm finally transitioning) has made life feel meaningless, it has made me feel as if the only thing life brings is pain. It feels as if that's the meaning of life, to suffer greatly and hopefully you make it through a believer in Christ and get rewarded for living a life of great suffering. Never to know joy or love.
4/11/2020 0 Comments Struggles With Support and Living Today is one of those days I can’t escape from my lack of support. I don’t have people I can go to in times of crisis or great need. I can’t rely on my family, as they’ve never been there for me in the past, and show no interest in meeting me where I am at. They want me to be where they desire me to be. They refuse to treat me for who I am and what I’ve been going through, so I can’t lean on them. I have no friends, I have people I talk to, but when crap hits the fan, well, they have their own lives and own families to tend to. They can’t (and shouldn’t) drop everything for me, despite how much they tell me they’re here for me. I don’t have a therapist, either, and it’s hard for me to want one despite how much I know I need one. The therapist is a person of their own, a complete stranger that you’re paying to pretend to care about you, to pretend they care about what you’ve been through and are going through. Not only that, they have their own lives to tend to, and their own mental health to care about, it just feels wrong dumping your problems on them. If you can’t bear your burden, why should you burden someone else with it? Why should I pass the pain on? That’s wrong.
4/10/2020 0 Comments Why I Don't Like LoveSo, as some know, and others do not, one of the greatest struggles in my life, in fact, arguably, the hardest struggle I’ve dealt with, even more than my gender dysphoria at it’s absolute worst (which, in short, made me extremely suicidal, I was self-harming regularly, was literally praying for death, death is what I desired the most for, and had literally no interest in life, to the point that I completely neglected just about everything, including taking care of myself in any way, heck, I even drove extremely recklessly and almost was killed several times due to how little I cared about myself), was love, or the lack thereof. My parents don’t love me, ok, they do, but not in a healthy way, a way that builds one up, it’s a twisted, perverted love. One that makes them believe that they are loving, and one where I can see that it’s there, but it cannot be truly let out for me to be able to receive it.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |