2/26/2021 2 Comments February 26th, 2021Lately a lot has been on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about how run by fear I am, how unloving I can be and have been, how, and what has changed this past year for me.
I have realized that I am scared to get a job. I haven't had one since October, been mostly sitting around not doing much outside of making online content, mostly videos and podcasts, and I am comfortable in my routine. Like, I actually have a routine for the first time in a long time, and I am comfortable with it. Go to my parents on Wednesday and Sunday, and on the other days, make videos and podcasts, and occasionally write a blog post. I don't want that to end. I know that routine needs to end, I need to work, but I'm scared of it ending. I'm scared of change. As usual, love has been on my mind a lot, but this time it isn't how unloved I felt growing up or wrestling with my desires, it's how unloving I can be and have been. When I was younger, I was a cyber-bully. So, back when I lived in Ohio (I lived there from birth, that is, October 1, 1998 until August 12, 2013), I was bullied constantly. I never had much upper body strength, and that was constantly exploited, including by kids several years younger than me. Not to mention how sheltered I was and feminine I often was. So, when I moved to Indiana, and had way too much time on my hands because we didn't go to church, have anyone to hang out with, because we were homeschooled and our parents didn't let us go anywhere, I took out my trauma by cyber-bullying others. In the name of Christ. I constantly flaunted how Christian I was to those I bullied. I probably ensured that these people would never come to Christ because of my abhorrent, unloving actions. It's something I hate myself for to this day. Another time, actually two times, there was this person that I literally almost attempted to murder because I hated them so much. That's something I wish I could forget, but, I can't, especially because I know it's something I will have to give an account of when I am standing before God whenever He calls me home to Heaven. Then, at one point I ended up literally hating all cis-gender people, why? Because at that time almost everyone who knew that I was trans was unaccepting, and not only that, to basically punished me for it, so I was angry and hurt, and reacted by doing exactly what they were doing to me. They hated and treated me horribly for being trans, and so I hated them for being cis. I still cringe to this day for that. What I am saying is, I am a hateful little monster. I am not loving. Why should I ever have expected to be loved when I couldn't love others? I like to think I'm better than that now, but I know I'm never far away from slipping back into such hatred. In terms of what has changed this past year, well, almost a year has passed since I started transitioning. I will make a post for that day, when it comes up in a few weeks, but, I will say a few things: I for the first time have a actual sense of identity. I'm finally getting a grasp on who I am at a basic level. I'm not so depressed and cynical anymore. It's wonderful. I have a lot more to say, but that will come on my one year anniversary of transitioning post. Anyway, just so much on my mind. I need to change. I'm just scared to.
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2/21/2021 0 Comments February 21st, 2021We humans are very dumb and destructive. We like to think we can do things our way and everything will be alright. We all do it, even me. I go my own way, neglecting what God said and I always end up worse off for it. Do we learn our lesson though after doing such a stupid thing as being so prideful as seeing ourselves as mini-gods who can do whatever we please with no consequences? Heck no. We always believe ourselves to be mini-gods who can do whatever we please with no consequences. If we didn't our lives would be literally perfect. Our lives aren't perfect though but instead filled with pain and suffering. We constantly ignore good advice, whether from humans wiser than us or from God Himself. Because we're prideful, and that pride leads us to do anything and everything against God's perfect will. Pride is everything God stands against, pride leads only to sin. Humility is what God stands for, and leads to wholeness.
Anyway, it's amazed me recently how many stupid human standards have been made up, ones that are not Biblical at all, but because we see ourselves as gods, we make up anyway believing there to be no negative consequences. Think about how Christians banned people from playing card games. Tell me, do you think that rule, which is certainly not Biblical, brought more people closer to God or further away. Well, it's quite obvious, drove people away. It was obviously a stupid made-up human rule, one quite widely ridiculed and helped create in many people's minds that being Christian meant serving some overbearing jerk, when that's not Christianity at all. I don't blame others from looking at all the made up rules Christians have come up with over the years and rejecting Christianity outright. It really does make it look like that once you're a Christian you may not only have no fun ever, but is inherently joyless and is life-sucking and that God is one big cosmic jerk. How else could you see Christianity? How about something that hits more home in modern America? How Christians preach against homosexuality. The Bible doesn't preach against homosexuality at all, in fact, the Bible never even mentioned it until the 1947 edition of the Revised Standard Version ("RSV" for short). Acting as if homosexuality is banned in the Bible, when it simply isn't, has driven so many from the church. Homosexuals, their friends and family, allies, have all stayed away from the church or worse, kicked out of the church because of such a disgusting human rule. It has caused great harm for same-sex attracted people. It has kept them from living authentically, finding love, caused them emotional and mental harm, and sometimes even physical harm. This human, non-Biblical rule has caused nothing but harm, but does the church stop? No. It keeps pridefully keeping the LGBT community down to everyone's harm. Anyway, the thing is though, we ALL do this to some extent. Sometimes our rules don't hurt others, only ourselves, like forbidding ourselves from watching certain movies for reasons that don't actually benefit us in any way (I say it like that because sometimes, rules you set for yourself can be beneficial. For instance: I try not to watch violent movies because I find that they keep my mind away from God to an unhealthy degree, so I personally don't watch many violent movies anymore). For instance, maybe you have banned yourself, or your whole family from watching Disney movies because they're "too secular." Anyway, that's all I really got for today, thanks for reading. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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