2/26/2021 2 Comments February 26th, 2021Lately a lot has been on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about how run by fear I am, how unloving I can be and have been, how, and what has changed this past year for me.
I have realized that I am scared to get a job. I haven't had one since October, been mostly sitting around not doing much outside of making online content, mostly videos and podcasts, and I am comfortable in my routine. Like, I actually have a routine for the first time in a long time, and I am comfortable with it. Go to my parents on Wednesday and Sunday, and on the other days, make videos and podcasts, and occasionally write a blog post. I don't want that to end. I know that routine needs to end, I need to work, but I'm scared of it ending. I'm scared of change. As usual, love has been on my mind a lot, but this time it isn't how unloved I felt growing up or wrestling with my desires, it's how unloving I can be and have been. When I was younger, I was a cyber-bully. So, back when I lived in Ohio (I lived there from birth, that is, October 1, 1998 until August 12, 2013), I was bullied constantly. I never had much upper body strength, and that was constantly exploited, including by kids several years younger than me. Not to mention how sheltered I was and feminine I often was. So, when I moved to Indiana, and had way too much time on my hands because we didn't go to church, have anyone to hang out with, because we were homeschooled and our parents didn't let us go anywhere, I took out my trauma by cyber-bullying others. In the name of Christ. I constantly flaunted how Christian I was to those I bullied. I probably ensured that these people would never come to Christ because of my abhorrent, unloving actions. It's something I hate myself for to this day. Another time, actually two times, there was this person that I literally almost attempted to murder because I hated them so much. That's something I wish I could forget, but, I can't, especially because I know it's something I will have to give an account of when I am standing before God whenever He calls me home to Heaven. Then, at one point I ended up literally hating all cis-gender people, why? Because at that time almost everyone who knew that I was trans was unaccepting, and not only that, to basically punished me for it, so I was angry and hurt, and reacted by doing exactly what they were doing to me. They hated and treated me horribly for being trans, and so I hated them for being cis. I still cringe to this day for that. What I am saying is, I am a hateful little monster. I am not loving. Why should I ever have expected to be loved when I couldn't love others? I like to think I'm better than that now, but I know I'm never far away from slipping back into such hatred. In terms of what has changed this past year, well, almost a year has passed since I started transitioning. I will make a post for that day, when it comes up in a few weeks, but, I will say a few things: I for the first time have a actual sense of identity. I'm finally getting a grasp on who I am at a basic level. I'm not so depressed and cynical anymore. It's wonderful. I have a lot more to say, but that will come on my one year anniversary of transitioning post. Anyway, just so much on my mind. I need to change. I'm just scared to.
2 Comments
Heather
2/27/2021 05:37:58 pm
Change is hard. I was a bully myself, of the catty kind. I wasn't happy with myself. There was a lot of things going on. It doesn't make you a bad person. We make mistakes as humans, or sins, and the only thing we can do is try to move forward and try not to repeat it
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Anna Hudak
3/11/2021 08:17:09 am
Thank you for opening up like that, and for the good wishes! Whatever it is that you have been doing, it's been working. I'm proud to call you "friend." Glad to hear you have moved on from a past like that (which was like mine in some ways, like bullying).
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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