11/19/2020 0 Comments No PointWhat's the point of fighting for a better life? I don't see one, because things just get worse. My entire life I felt devalued, especially since no one ever celebrated the good things. Like, my birthday was often an after-thought, often-times celebrating other things instead, such as going to the wedding of someone that I didn't even know (and still don't know) or celebrating that one of my aunts and uncles were having their child. My birthday has often got thrown to the side. Then, how about my graduation? No party, which is fine with me, I hate being the center of attention, so we had grandparents over and we were planning to go out to eat. Did I, the graduate get to choose where we went out to eat? Noooooo. My parents, who, apparently were the people we were actually celebrating got to choose. I wanted to go to a local Chinese buffet. They wanted burgers, 5 Guys & Fries more specifically, a place I had never been to. I had to fight for several hours just to get a compromise to go to Culver's instead, because at least I had eaten there before. I'm still bitter as fuck over that. It made me feel so devalued, like nothing I did mattered. Then, this year, most of my friends didn't care when I started transitioning. Most of them didn't say a word. Most of them still don't say anything, most don't even say my name or pronouns. Then, there's the fact that this was my first birthday and will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas as my true self. Something that should be positive, finally getting to celebrate them correctly. Instead, my first girl birthday was the worst, which is no small feat, and one I never want to remember, and this Thanksgiving, literally the one holiday I actually enjoy, and a day that truly means a lot to me, I don't even get to celebrate this year, and this Christmas is shaping up to be the worst Christmas yet, which is no small feat. It feels like I'm being punished for choosing to live. It feels like I'm being punished for choosing to not be abused. Honestly, it feels as if the wiser choice would have been to have just killed myself last year when I hit my "transition or die" moment. Things just keep getting worse for me because I chose to live. I feel unvalued, and punished for fighting for a reason to live. I feel completely demoralized. I hate myself right now, especially for living.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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