11/11/2020 0 Comments Relationship With God?
I find myself often not talking to God, because I'm used to doing it alone, and when I do talk to Him, it's almost always to pray over others, and neglect to pray for myself. I resist going to my friends when I'm in need. I'm often scared to talk to my friends period because I'm scared that I'm that much of a failure at being a friend. So, I resist going to God. I'm used to doing it all on my own. It's scary to ask for help, especially when you were often punished for doing so by your parents. I know that makes me self-centered, and means I'm only handicapping myself not only in regards to earthly relationships, but a relationship with God as well. I guess I just don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I don't know how to actually trust others. I don't know to rely on others, including God. I don't really know how to talk to God, especially when He's invisible and doesn't audibly speak to me. Doesn't help that I'm terrible at holding conversations with people. I want to grow spiritually, but I don't know how. I'm not a part of a church, can't really search for one thanks to COVID, and even if I could, I'd be scared to. I have such horrible experiences with church. Church has hurt me greatly, Church is where I learned that I'm a sub-human monster that's not worth anything and is destroying this world and will burn in Hell forever because of how I was born. While I know that's not true now, it's still a huge scar on me, and makes me less trusting of other Christians. So, I have no spiritual accountability, no one to talk to about spiritual matters, no guidance to help me grow spiritually, etc. I've just never been truly embedded in a church growing up, because I had to hide my secret of being trans, and now that's coming back to destroy me. I love the idea of being part of a church, but actually doing it terrifies me. I want to get publicly baptized, but I don't trust the Church, and to be honest, God, despite the fact He's given me every single reason to, but I don't because I'm a foolish, selfish, self-absorbed, dim-witted person. Anyway, I'm just ranting at this point, so I should probably shut up now.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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