4/5/2021 0 Comments April 05th, 2021Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be part of the body. I wonder what it's like to be part of the church. I wonder what it's like to be able to consider other Christians that you fellowship with "family." I never have had that experience. I grew up in church, but, I was never truly a part of those churches. Oh, don't get me wrong, as I got older I became quite involved in the church that I attended back when I lived in Toledo, Ohio, but I never really was truly a part of it. I never considered the church to be my family. A lot of that definitely had to do with how much back-stabbing and internal politics there was that I noticed as a child, and never having had got along with certain people who were quite powerful in the church (there were other things, but it's better for me not to go further down memory lane in regards to this). Then my family moved to Indiana, and church hopped (assuming we even were attempting to go to church) for a few years. Finally we found a church just bordering downtown in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. By this time I knew that I was trans, and this church has always been very vocally anti-LGBT. I DEFINITELY didn't feel at home there, in fact, I was downright scared. I couldn't wait to leave that church. Now, I have. I also don't have a church to replace it with. Haven't been to church in many months at this point. Can't even remember the last church I went to. The thing is, I see how much so many love their church. They love their church family and being involved in the church. They truly see the other members as family and lean on them and grow. I never had that experience growing up. I don't have any nostalgia for the church. Honestly, after such negative experiences in the church my whole life, I can't imagine being a part of a church and loving it. I can't imagine trusting a fellowship of believers with anything in regards to me. If I am being honest, I generally don't trust other Christians. If I hear you're a Christian, I am on guard. It takes me a long time to warm up to you, unless I have a reason to not be on my guard. Basically, LGBT Christians are the only group that I don't feel all that guarded talking to. I guess if I'm being honest, I just don't trust cishet Christians. Especially conservative ones. It takes a long time for a cishet Christian (the few I am in contact with, basically, outside of my immediate family, just two) to gain my trust. I have been hurt too many times.
Honestly, the very idea that I could ever fit into a church, not be an outsider is preposterous to me. I constantly find myself thinking that if I wasn't able to fit into any of the churches I attended for the first 21 years of my life, why should I now? Also, because of the fact that for the most part, my spiritual growth has come with me being alone (there were times when people helped me grow, including at times people in whatever church I was a part of), I kinda don't want to go to church. I feel pride in the fact that most of my spiritual growth has come from me by myself rather than with being alongside other believers. I feel, because of my pride that I can forever go it alone. I don't see a need to be part of a church when I feel that I have done "well enough" up until now. But still, I feel inside my core, my spirit a desire to be part of a fellowship of believers. That said, I would probably have to leave this city to be able to go to a church. I have been to so many churches here, and found nothing that I could be a part of and be accepted, without attending a liturgical church (I don't do liturgical churches. Can't stand that kind of church, personally, though I understand why some people love liturgical churches). I guess it just fits into my longing to be part of a community, to be part of a family, two desires I probably won't go out of my way to fulfill. I kinda like being a hermit. I mean, it's comfortable. Don't get me wrong, in the depth of my soul I desire for more, but I don't have enough motivation to actually change and not be a hermit. Back in late 2019, I was starting to break out of my shell. I was trying to go out and do things with friends. I was trying to find a church. I was trying to find a community. Then COVID hit. If I'm being honest, I often find myself thinking "if God wanted for me to stop being a hermit he wouldn't have allowed COVID to happen." I kinda allow myself to view COVID as a justification for not getting out there, trying to be a part of a church or community, or whatever. It just feels like confirmation of the life path I was already headed down, which is, to be a hermit. I don't feel much motivation to get out anymore. At least, most of the time. I guess I have mostly given up on community. I just feel as if my time to be part of one is up. I have missed my chance. I'm too old now. If I wanted to be part a community or church, it would have been before COVID. Now, I'm just set on my way to hermithood. I'm older, more set in my ways, less interested than ever before in moving out of my comfort zone, more cynical, and older. If I wanted to be part of any of these things, I would have been a part as a kid. I have no experience being part of a community. Being part of a church family. It just feels too late to become part of any of them. I mean, what's it like to have friends to just hang out with? Don't really know. It's something I have done so rarely. What's it like to feel safe at church and be able to rely on your Christian brothers and sisters? Being able to grow with them, serve each other, and just be there there for each other? I have spent my whole life seeing others do that for each other. Heck, I have spent much of my life serving others. But, when I needed help, I couldn't go to anyone. When I was a kid, it was for obvious reasons, I was just a kid. I couldn't ask anyone for help unless I absolutely had to, no way out of it otherwise. As an adult, because I couldn't be part of the family because of my trans identity. Most of the help I have needed is in regards to the abuse I recieved and my trans identity. I couldn't open up about those things in those churches. They weren't trans accepting and my parents also were there in those churches, and no one would ever believe what my parents did and we're doing to me. So, I have been stuck watching other Christians be there for each other, watching them love one another, knowing that I could serve them, but it could never be reciprocated. I had to keep silent about myself. I wasn't part of the family. I was an "other." I was someone allowed to interact with the family of believers, but not allowed to be part of it. I wanted so much more. When I was at my lowest, I had to help myself. I had no one to turn to for wisdom, prayer, or anything. I had to go to church, not being allowed to be honest about the abuse I was receiving and my gender dysphoria. I had to sit there as people poured praise on my parents, and I had to sit there and agree with them, and talk about how great my parents were while in my head I was thinking about how they had just abused me or one of my sisters. It left a horrible taste in my mouth. Then, I had to endure sermons preaching against the LGBT community, all the while I was sitting there in the audience struggling with suicidal thoughts because of my dysphoria, sinking further into shame, and feeling more and more subhuman. If I am honest, I feel so much resentment towards my fellow Christians. I guess that may be one of the biggest factors towards not wanting to be a part of a church. At my lowest, I was kicked down by the church. I don't feel that I can trust other Christians because of that. When I needed help the most, I had to hide my problems just so that things didn't get worse by exposing the abuse or my trans identity. I had to deal with it all alone. And I feel a twisted sort of pride over that. The fact that I did this mostly on my own, just meeting a few people at the very end before transitioning and leaving my parents who helped me over the finish line because otherwise I genuinely would have killed myself. To me, after seeing the love for each other, but never being a part of that family, that serving, loving one another that I have seen at churches, I genuinely cannot imagine being part of that. That kind of stuff is for others. Not me. I'm too different. They weren't there for me in the past, in fact, made things worse, and so why should I give the church another chance? It had 21 years, almost 22 years to not make my life worse. To treat me as human, not dehumanize me from the pulpit, to not make me worship my abusers, why the fuck should I want to be part of this institution? Now I just feel angry. I was hurting, and yet, I was expected to repeatedly stab myself and make it worse. I feel anger, resentment, and a sense of resignment. I just feel resigned to it all. The church is broken and I don't see how I could ever be a part of the broader church. I've always gone it alone, so why not continue? It's better than worshipping my abusers. I'd rather feel alone than that kind of hurt ever again. I guess I don't know what to do, or what to feel. I guess I'm just lost. Nothing makes sense to me.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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