4/12/2021 0 Comments April 12th, 2021I've got a lot on my mind as of late. Like how I really don't trust God at all. I have really started realizing that I straight up don't trust God. When I am stressed out, depressed, in trouble, or whatever, God is the last person I go to. When I need help, God is my last resort. God is who I turn to when I run out of every other option. I say that as if I have any option that's not God. Nothing happens apart from God. God is the only reason I'm breathing right now. He's the only reason I can type these words out onto my phone. If God wanted, he could take away the ability to use my fingers. God is in control of everything. God is in all reality the only option of who to run to when things go bad. He is the one I should be running to first. He created me. He's the only one who truly loves me. Why He ever would even want to love me I can't even imagine, I mean, He knows better than anyone how fucked up I am. He knows about my cyber-bullying. How I used to go out of my way to antagonize people, especially those in authority over me as a kid. He knows how much of a misogynist I was. He knows the horrible things I said online about my own community because I thought that repressing was a good idea. He knows how I don't trust Him. He sees all the broken promises, the times I stole things, my habitual lying, the times I almost murdered someone because of hatred in my heart. He knows. Yet, He loves me, and died for me. Somehow, I don't see this as cause to run to Him first. He's my perfect father. He's the only one who loves me completely and accurately, and I run away from Him. I keep to myself. I foolishly hide everything, as if God doesn't know. I pretend to myself that no one knows, despite the fact that God absolutely knows. I keep to myself when things go south, because at the end, I don't really trust anyone. I actually feel horrible about it. I have amazing friends who I know I can trust, and care about me, yet, I don't open up to them. I hide. It's not their fault. It's just natural to me at this point. After being abused literally almost all my life, having to hide my trans identity for so long, and not having had anyone I could trust for almost as long, I guess it's just an unconscious defense mechanism now. I don't tell anyone anything until I absolutely have to. Then, when I do tell, I generally only tell them certain things, often giving different aspects to different people. The reason for this is because I unconsciously present different aspects of myself to different people and hide other aspects from them. For instance, I hide certain things from one friend that I am completely open about with one friend and vice versa. I am never completely open with anyone unless I absolutely have to be. I know that's wrong. It's just so hard to break out of. I'm so used to hiding everything, because I had to so I could survive being abused. I had to hide my true self from everyone because I knew I wouldn't be accepted. My dad always told me that ones earthly relationships reflect your relationship with God. As I get older I see how true that really is. I don't trust people here on earth due to a lifetime of abuse and hiding my identity. So, I don't trust God, the one person who deserves my trust more than anyone. Yet, I always go to Him last. First I hide, then I might tell a few people, and finally when it gets worse, I go to God. I need to trust God more. I need to trust my friends and others who care about me more. My distrust isn't fair to my extended family, friends, or God. They have done nothing to deserve it. Yet, I punish them with it anyway. Lord, I ask for forgiveness. Please help me to trust in you more. You have done everything to earn my trust. More than enough. You created me and love me despite how despicable I am. I can think of all the times you have provided right now. Moments of you pulling through are rushing through my head at this moment. Providing me with money at the shelter. Allowing me to transition. Giving me friends when I needed them the most. So many things. Forgive me for my lack of faith and trust Lord, though I do not deserve it. Amen.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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