4/25/2021 0 Comments April 25th, 2021Something I have been thinking about a lot is the imagery of Jesus being the groom, and the church being the bride. I'm going to be honest. I don't get it. I really don't understand how it's supposed to be impactful, at least for me. So many images in the Bible have been hard for me, the main one having been God being my father. My earthly father is an abusive man. He has harmed me so greatly, so it has been a struggle to see God as good if He's my father, or to even see Him as a father at all, due to my negative imagery of fatherhood. That said, it's something that has gotten easier for me to accept, because, well, at least I do have a dad, so while it can be hard for me to accept (mostly is hard), I can do it because I can relate in some way. That said, it's different with the marriage imagery. I'm not married. The chances of me getting married are very slim. It's not something I'm all that interested in. So, as someone who does consider herself a confirmed bachelorette, how am I supposed to get anything out of this metaphor, when marriage is something I am not even looking for? Like, I am pretty happy being single. This imagery does absolutely nothing for me, of anything it could be a repelling image. The reason I say that is because I am happy being single. Marriage is something I am straight up not interested in, and yet, I am told that being a Christian is basically in some metaphorical way a marriage, something I don't really want? Like, what am I supposed to do with this? How is this supposed to get me excited in any way? How is this supposed to spur me on or encourage me or whatever? I recognize that most people get married, but, honestly, when I read the Bible, I find myself not really being able to relate to a lot, to be honest. The only things I ever relate to are the small things. The psalms of David calling for deliverance. Job's mourning. The nihilism of Solomon in Ecclesiastes. I relate to the Eunuchs living during the time of Isaiah and the oppression they experienced, not being allowed to join the others in worshipping God because they lived a gender-variant life that was unjustly considered to be immoral. I relate to Jeremiah's struggles to stay faithful to God, how terrified Esther felt to reveal who she really was, and other things like that. I don't relate much to seeing God as a father. It's hard for me, I'm getting better, but having an abusive earthly has made that so hard. I don't relate to the marriage metaphor for the church. If I am being honest, I don't feel any connection to the church being one body image either. Maybe, for a short time as a kid I felt connected to the rest of the church, as if we were one body. But, after realizing I am trans, that feeling of being connected has gone away. I feel like a single cell that was cast off. Being part of a body is not an image I can relate to. I'm simply not allowed to be a part of the body. So, what I am saying is, I don't relate to these big metaphors and images generally used by Christians to explain what it's like being a Christian. I just don't. Kinda makes me feel like I'm a shitty Christian. I mean, I absolutely am a shitty Christian, but not being able to relate to something that seemingly just about everyone else relates to and embraces makes me feel even lesser of a Christian than I already do. The only thing I can relate to are the small things, like the stuff listed earlier.
While I'm already confessing things, I might as well add this: I don't really trust cis-gender Christians. Mostly, because of the transphobia that runs rampant among Christians, but it's even more than that. In affirming circles I have found that cis allies generally have no idea how to actually support trans people. I find myself constantly having to educate allies on trans issues and how to be supportive. It's beyond exhausting, especially if you're suffering from some trans-related issue, and you really just need support right away. Honestly, I just don't bring up stuff about what trans-related thing I am struggling with unless it's so absolutely overbearing that I have no choice but to open up about it, because being everyone's educator on not only that issue, but also how to be supportive, when you need the support is just more trouble than it's worth. Honestly, a lot of this helped lead to a time where for a few weeks I struggled with genuine hatred towards all cis-gender people. I literally hated anyone who was cis-gender just for being cis-gender because of how much I have been hurt and how much I have to hide. While I am long over that phase, and it didn't last more than a few weeks, I still don't trust. I'm tired of having to be the world's educator, especially when I am suffering. It's just easier to just suffer in silence, because at least you aren't just sitting there attempting to explain something that a cis-gender person could never understand and not know how to respond to. I guess that's the worst part. Knowing that cis-gender people, who are just about everybody who lives on this Earth could never relate to most of my problems. It just doesn't feel worth it to open up at all. This has made it harder for me to even want to go to church. If I am going to be part of a church, I want to be truly part of it. I love serving others, I always have. That is pretty much all I have ever done, because, the church never helped me back. When I was suffering the most, I had no one to turn to. In fact, the few Christians I knew were actively making my life worse. I don't trust cis-gender Christians very much. More harm than good has happened to me because of cis-gender Christians. Almost all of my healing has come from other trans Christians. I guess I just don't want to be constantly having to pour out my heart and soul serving others, but not being helped back, but I guess that's also super selfish and greedy. I guess it's probably pretty despicable of me to want to be helped by the church at all, if I think about it. I guess if God wanted me to be anything more than the world's servant and a lone spiritual warrior, He wouldn't have made me trans.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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