9/13/2020 0 Comments Crazy LoveLast night I finished the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It's a book I had started before, years ago, but put down about 5 chapters in because it offended me too much. So, now I have finally finished it. It changed me. It really helped me view quite a few things differently. One of those things it helped me realize was how much God really does love me. Growing up in a abusive household, I have a very negative view of fathers, and that includes God in all honesty. It's been hard for me to accept that God could truly love me, because of the symbolism of God as our Heavenly Father, and that's because I've always known that my earthly father doesn't love me. So, that was always rough for me. This book made me realize how much God truly does love me, and helped me rip away that roadblock of my earthly father. I can for the first time truly say that I know that God loves me. I get it now. That has brought much healing.
Another thing is our weak American view of Christianity, and the heretical idea of "nominal Christianity." In addition to that, what it means to truly follow Christ. We are called to give up EVERYTHING for him. Everything. If we are not willing to do so, we are not followers of Christ, period, end of story. I grew up hearing how LGBT, but especially trans people are these awful, horrible sinners destroying society, that we're monsters, and that we should be killed. Accepting that I was trans meant two very major things: that I would be odds with my family, but also that I would begin to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. In fact, even before transition, God made it clear that there could be no spiritual growth until I began transition, and I felt a wall between me and God, up until I took that first pill. Since then, I have grown greatly in my spiritual walk, God has been working on me in many ways, working on shedding my anger, learning to love others, love Him, and also, what it truly means to serve Him. It's been rough. In American terms, I have nothing (compared to the majority of the rest of the world, I'm Scrooge McDuck, but in American terms, I'm one of the poorest there is). I only have some clothing, my Nintendo handheld consoles, and my car. That's it. Every thing (outside of the car itself) can be shoved into my car's trunk. I have very little. I was forced to leave almost all of it behind. I also had to leave my parents, I had to completely cut off my mom's side of the family. It's been rough, very rough, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but at the same time, fulfilling. I have grown so much spiritually during this time, just in this past week plus, in ways I never could have while still living under an abusive household, and in a house that didn't allow me to live authentically. I have, pretty much given it all up in the eyes of most Americans, and yet, now that I have "nothing," all I see is how much more I have yet to give. I have so much more that I could still give up to serve God even more faithfully, and I am starting to give many of those things up. I know I'm probably making this sound easy, it's not, it's the toughest lesson I've ever learned, but, for the first time ever, I'm starting to experience joy. Living the simple life, and focusing on God to get me through this. Whenever I do get out of this shelter, I hope it's not in a good side of town, I hope it's not in a fancy apartment, I hope it's on a not-so-great side of town, I hope it's a not-so-great apartment that forces me to live minimally. I don't want things getting in the way of serving God. That's what I want to devote the rest of my life doing. One thing that will really determine that is my next job. I wanted to work at a certain place in my local library system that would keep me away from the public, is 32 hours a week, great benefits, etc. A rather cushy job, I wanted it to keep away from the public and hopefully at least a somewhat decent standard of living. Now, I'm scared that it will get in the way of serving God. If that job is what God has in store for me, than I will take it gladly, if not, then may he show me what job He has in store for me. I just want to focus on serving Him. My life has been rough, but now, I'm really beginning to recognize how it's been for the better. Living suicidally for six years due to gender dysphoria and living for almost 22 years in an abusive household among other hardships has forced me to rely on God, in ways that I probably never would have if I was cisgender and in a perfectly loving household and didn't have a broken body, etc. I now thank Him for these hardships, for allowing me to go through them, my current trials, and future ones, for they are what brings me closer to Him. Anyway, this is what I learned from listening to the audibook "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Please read it, seriously, please read it.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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