6/11/2021 0 Comments June 11th, 2021Recently my mom made a comment to me on the lines of that she couldn't understand why me and my younger sisters couldn't see our own value. All three of us have no self-worth and have no confidence in ourselves or abilities. Mom didn't understand why. I know why, but I didn't say why. It's because of parental abuse. Mom, but mostly dad, abused all three of us kids growing up. Heck, my youngest sister is still being abused by them. My parents treated me the worst (that's agreed upon by my two sisters) and only got worse after finding out I'm trans (conversion therapy, wanting to send me to an all-boys school, and so many more terrible things) and required me to run away and be homeless for them to treat me with any respect at all. I won't even go into the abuse my sisters got. While I may be the most abused, some of the stuff my parents did to my sisters is so beyond abhorrent I sometimes try to forget about it for my own mental health. And this is stuff they did to my sisters, not me. It finally got to the point where in 2019 I literally almost murdered my dad in cold blood because I could handle the abuse anymore, and last summer on one night my dad was abusing my youngest sister so badly I almost murdered him again I was so beyond angry with what he was doing to her. I remember as a small child dreaming of getting away from my parents because I knew they didn't love me. They were never there for me. I remember trying to talk to them and get much needed emotional support as a kid, but they just apparently never had time for me. So, I learned that I didn't matter. I learned my emotions not only didn't matter but were bad and needed to be hidden away and never expressed. So, that's why. That's why neither me or my sisters can see our own self-worth. I don't believe I have any. I genuinely believe that when I die no one will care because I didn't do anything to make a good impact on anyone's life. I don't believe I'm capable of doing anything. I have no confidence at all. I'm completely worn down and broken. And yet my parents refuse to acknowledge any of their abuse. I mean, they have literally gaslighted all three of us kids at once to our faces before. I genuinely remember our dad lying to our faces claiming he never said something he absolutely did say and us kids going into my room afterwards and asking each other, "are we crazy? Are we just imagining things?" Even when brought to their attention examples of abuse, they have two responses: 1) deny it ever happened or claim we're exaggerating how bad it was, or 2) admit they did it and then ask for forgiveness and then start abusing us even worse shortly afterwards. Another thing that is so rich that my parents are doing right now is pretending that they always accepted me as trans. They genuinely act as if they were always accepting. As if they never sent me to conversion therapy, or almost sent me to an all-boys school in hopes it would make me "man up," or make me do a bunch of manual labor for months on end for the same reasons, or sit there for hours preaching to me why the Bible says being trans is wrong (and always conflating being trans with being gay, because you know, they're clearly the same thing. Yes, that was me being sarcastic. Just needed to make that clear so I don't get angry messages from people thinking I actually believe that). So, that's why. And of course, this lack of acknowledgement is why I can't grow closer to my parents. We do have the best relationship I ever had with them at the moment, but it's not that great of a relationship to be honest, because they refuse to own up to the fact that they seriously fucked us kids up. They just pretend they never abused us. Until my parents can acknowledge that and literally turn from those abusive ways, our relationship can never grow beyond what I consider to be a "passable" relationship. It's good enough that I will see my parents twice a week, but not enough for me to confide in them much or to ever move back in with them. I'd rather sleep in the streets than live under the same roof with them.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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