6/19/2021 0 Comments June 19th, 2021So, one of the things I have struggled with the most since transitioning is having to cut off anti-trans friends. While I have never had many friends, there were two in particular who I was actually friends with for years. One of them was my best friend. A guy that I loved, and do love like a brother, which has made it all the harder to cut him out. To be honest though, I do over-state how little experience with friendships I have had mainly because of my former best friend and the pain of cutting him off, it just makes it easier to cope (that said, I still don't have much experience, but I do have more experience with having friends then I make it out to be, like, I did have friends, including a best friend). Anyway, he made his views on LGBT people, especially trans people, known a few years ago due to a negative experience with several other trans women. Over the next few years he became more and more bold in anti-LGBT rhetoric. So, when I went homeless and it got to the point that I had to go completely open as a woman, I had to make the painful decision of cutting him out of my life. To be honest, I never even told him. I never told him I was trans, and I didn't tell him I was cutting him out. I simply blocked him on everything. My phone, Facebook, Instagram, and maybe my gaming platforms as well (maybe). Anyway, the reason I did it that way was because I was already struggling with being homeless and my dysphoria was forcing me to be completely public with my transition. I had to have everyone call me Anna. I had to change my social media accounts to Anna. I knew he was going to reject me. He had made it clear his stance on LGBT people, especially trans women. I didn't have the emotional energy or strength at the time to deal with any of that. Cutting him off silenty was hard enough. I love him dearly. I hate how this all ended. While I am very much a woman, and am quite happy with being a woman and have no interest in being a man, I am not going to lie when I say that sometimes I wish I could have been a cis-guy just so that the friendship didn't have to end the way it did. That's the only reason I would ever want to be a guy. That said, 99.999% of the time I am quite happy as a woman and have no interest in being a guy. Seriously though, I regret how the friendship ended. I mean, it's not like we were talking that much by that point anyway. Can't even remember the last time I saw him. We barely talked, saw each other even less, but there was still a bond there. We still cared for each other. I still loved him as a brother. I miss him. Greatly. I miss playing "Call of Duty: Black Ops 2" multiplayer and zombie mode with him. I miss playing "Tron: Evolution Battle Grids" with him and all of his family and mine taking turns in futily trying to beat him in "Super Smash Bros Brawl." I miss playing football with him. I miss staying up all night talking with him. I miss reading comics with him. I miss our inside jokes, especially "can I have a bar," and "Nicklybear" (yes, my old branding that I used as a logo for everything on all my accounts is an inside joke). I still remember how both were created quite well. I remember being at a Bible Quiz Meet (Bible quizzing, in short, is where you study several chapters of a book or two of the Bible and compete to be first to get the chance to answer a question based off of what you studied by jumping off a bench with triggers that lets a judge know who jumped first), it was his first one ever, and it was the start of my second year. It was one of the best days of my life. We got in a lot of trouble, such as getting chased across the church property by several people from our church who we were spying on with my youngest sister. Just saying, they were asking for it. A teenage boy and (a rather obviously hot) girl all alone in a dark room that was locked and had almost no windows and they were seated in a place that was almost impossible to see from the window behind them, yeah, they were asking for us to spy on them. They caught us and chased us around until they caught us. Would do it over again in a heartbeat though. Anyway, the inside joke comes from the very beginning of the quiz meet. The church we were at had some breakfast foods out, which was nice considering that it was not long after 8:30 and we had driven two and a half hours to get there. They had a good sized bowl of "Nutri-Grain" bars and we sat in the eating area and he ate a few, then grabbed another one on the way out. He ate it within a few minutes and asked if we could go back so he could get another bar. We did, and a few minutes later he asked if he could have another one. The cycle continued for quite awhile. He ate an impressive amount of Nutri-Grain bars. That's where our inside joke of "can I have a bar comes from." In regards to "Nicklybear," it comes from camp. He loved singing the song "Dumb Ways to Die," especially the line "poke a stick at a grizzly bear." I hated that song. So, one morning we were in the eating area and he was singing it to annoy me and I was in a particularly grumpy mood and didn't hide my grumpiness. Now, it make sense of this, you must know my dead-name is "Nicholas," but pretty much everyone except for old people called me "Nick." So, that morning with how grumpy and combative I was, he, with biggest, dumbest grin on his face changed the line to: "poke a stick at a Nicklybear." I just about killed him. I hated it at first, but over time it grew on me to the point of making it my whole branding for awhile. Even to this day my Tumblr blog's and Twitter username is Nicklybear. That's where I got that. Anyway, all this to say, I miss the guy. I love him dearly, and pray nothing but the best and I hope it works out between him and that girl he has loved for several years but has been too shy to admit to anyone but me (but everyone else knows it, and apparently she really loves him but doesn't recognize it herself. Seriously, why do people who love each other not recognize it? It makes no sense and is so dumb. Seriously, know yourself). I hope he is successful in life. He made quite a bit of money, more than I could ever dream of seeing. Love you man. May God bless you.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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