One of the most basic human needs, and easily the thing humans most desire, is love. Whether it be romantic love or platonic love. Love is so important the ancient Greeks separated love into eight different categories:
"Eros" (Erotic love): basically, sexual passion, or lust. This kind of love is very temporary, lasting long enough to act out our sexual desires with our chosen sexual partner. It is superficial.
So, as we see, there are quite a few different types of love. There is not just one type of love. Love encompasses many things, and to be honest, I wish more Americans clarified the type of love they are meaning by using the Greek terms, or our own terms. Because, as it is, "love" as a word is kind of meaningless. I don't love Arby's onion rings the same way I would love a romantic partner, yet, we use the same word. It just diminishes the meaning of "love." Anyway, that's a rabbit hole I need to pull myself out of an get back on track. Fact is, we humans NEED love. Case in point, newborns will LITERALLY die without love. When we get older, we do everything we can to chase love, often to destructive ends. It's a biological and psychological need of ours. One that has to be fulfilled in order for us to be healthy. That said, many people do not experience love. It's a foreign concept to them. I'm in that camp. Love is a concept that's always fascinated me, because it's something that I've never really experienced. I knew from an early age that I was unloved. My parents did not care about me, I've had very few friends in my life (and it's been about 6 or so years since I've even had one, in real life, at least). Love and attention is something that has been my greatest desire in life. If you were to sum up my life in a few words, it would be "attention seeking." I am the very definition of attention seeking to try and fill the void left by my parents not paying attention to me. Anyway, so due to the lack of love (and attention), love has always been this strange concept, this mysterious thing that has captivated me, making me want to try to understand it. Growing up, I really didn't have any friends. My entire life, I've had a grand total of 7 friends, in 21 years of life. All but 3 of those friendships lasted less than a year. I also, admittedly, didn't leave the house very much, except to go play basketball at WPOS (technically, it's now called "Proclaim FM," but I refuse to call it that), the Christian radio station right next door to us when I was a child, after hours and sometimes to go shopping, and to do some service projects in downtown Toledo. I didn't have much socialization. I didn't have much of a chance to talk, talk about anything, including things that were on my mind to trusted friends. Of course, at home I wasn't able to talk to anyone either, so everything got bottled up inside. I learned to be a listener, and I listened to everyone about their problems, including my parents, yes, my parents came to me with their problems. Yet, I had no one who I could talk to. Having no one that I could talk to drove me crazy. There were quite a few nights that I spent just crying, or trying to cry, because for a few years I was literally unable to cry, just because it felt as if I had the world on my shoulders having to care for everyone else, and having to keep everything I felt and thought inside. It made me feel unloved, uncared for, as if I didn't matter. I felt invisible to the world. Eventually, I stopped feeling as if I was even human. I was a nobody. I was nothing. This is something I've felt until just about a month or two ago, to be honest, and the only reason it stopped was because my co-workers at the library I work at, are genuinely caring people who have taken the time to listen to me. For the first time in a very, very, long time, like, over a decade, I feel like I'm a human, I don't feel sub-human anymore, and I feel like I actually matter (to a certain extent, I'm not there yet in completely believing I matter). It's been wonderful. The hardest part though, is the horrifying knowledge that your parents don't love you. I've spent so many years, spent so much time chasing after my parents love. Doing everything I can to make them love me, only to sink in deeper depression once I realized that my latest efforts were all for nothing. It made me wonder what's wrong with me, maybe I'm a terrible person, maybe I truly am unloveable. The worst thing though, is the barrier it's put between me and God. The thing is, the relationship you have with your earthly father pretty much is a reflection of the relationship you will have with your Heavenly father. Your physical father is the earthly reflection of God, your father is your preparation for your relationship with God. Because I do not have a good earthly father, and my relationship is so bad, I have had a very, very, rough time going to or trusting God. The fact that God calls Himself our "father" and absolutely pushes Himself as that throughout the scriptures, just makes it hard for me to respect Him, to love Him, to care about Him, to worship Him, whatever. My relationship with God, is admittedly, very, very, poor. I have gone very long stretches of time without prayer or reading His word. To be honest, I'm not really sure if I even WANT to create a deeper relationship with God. How can I trust someone who calls Himself my father when my earthly experience, the one I see, hear, feel, etc. with a father is so negative? So, yeah, to wrap this up. Love is a foreign concept to me. It's something that to be honest, scares me (watch the video below for more on that). Is it something I could ever find, and if I can, is it something I could even accept? Can I someday overcome my experiences with my earthly dad and see God as my loving, caring heavenly father? Being loved and accepted and cared about is something I've chased after so long, is it something I can learn to put aside and not chase after the wrong kind of love?
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |