3/25/2021 0 Comments March 25th, 2021I hope for a day when I don't feel worthless. I hope for a day when I don't constantly tell myself lies when I am down. I hope for a day when I don't feel as if I am nothing more than a leech. I hope for a day when I don't feel as if I'm not worth it. I hope for a day when I never feel suicidal. I hope for a day when I don't feel "less-than" for being trans. I hope. But do I really though? Or is more of a wish made in vain, with no hope of it happening when I am in such pain?
The vast majority of the time, I don't feel worthless or suicidal or whatever. I don't have great mental health, but it's pretty good most of the time. Generally am not depressed or overwhelmed. Thank you God. That said, this past week has been hell. On Monday night (March 22), I had to go to my parents at 10:45 at night because of how suicidal I was, just in hopes that if I was around others I would be less likely to end my life. This doesn't happen often, thankfully. But, this week has put me through the wringer and has guided me towards questioning my self-worth. I got a job and then had to leave because of how that job collapsed my mental health and raised my dysphoria. I feel so worthless for having had left that job. I feel peace about it, but I also feel worthless for doing it. I need a job so badly, and I have to be at a place that's trans accepting and a place that I can physically handle (I couldn't physically handle that job that I left either). I feel so much self-hatred. I don't feel as if I should be alive. After all, I am one big fuck-up. I know that's not true, but I am having a really hard time convincing myself of that right now. If I can't find a job I feel safe coming out at, and one that I can physically handle soon, which the YWCA requires of me since they're currently paying for my apartment, aren't I just one big failure? I feel like one ready. I feel so much panic. I feel so much anger, mostly towards myself. I feel defeated. I thought everything was finally going right for me for once. Instead, it was all just about to collapse right on me. That is one of the worst parts. It all collapsed on me. Things seemed to finally be working out. I was in the clouds with finally getting a job. Instead, it was merely an illusion. That is probably the part that hurts the worst. The scariest thing about a this is learning that I cannot do another shift as a guy. At all. I straight up can't. My dysphoria is still raging a week later from having done one shift as a guy. So, I will probably have to come out in the interview process. That is super scary to do. I don't know, ok, I am certain that I don't have the strength to do so. Yet, I will have to if I don't want to feel like killing myself when the shift is over. So, that's making me feel awful. I hate having to come out to others. It's scary and it's awkward. I envy straight and cis-gender people for never having to come out.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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