5/7/2021 0 Comments May 07th, 2021The purpose of this article is four-fold:
Mothers Day is almost here. Father's Day isn't much further away. These are easily two of the most painful days of the year for me. They are days that serve as painful reminders of the abuse I have received from my parents. These are days when I am expected to celebrate my abusers. I hate these two days. I wish I could sleep right through both days. Those painful memories will always live with me. My birthday is getting closer. October 1. Less than five months away. Less than half a year. I hate my birthday. It hasn't been good since I was a child. Having to constantly give it up to visit people, go to weddings of people I don't know, and other things, not being able to celebrate it in a way I would actually like because the rest of my family can't eat pretty much anything. I'm gluten-intolerant, like the rest of the family, but it doesn't affect me that badly, and milk chocolate doesn't sit well with me for some odd reason (but dairy is perfectly fine and so is dark chocolate), but various members can't have: soy, peanut butter, dairy, corn, starches, and rice (and probably another thing or two I forgot about). Basically, there's me who can eat just about anything, and the rest of my family who can eat nothing. Which, isn't bad, but not going to lie, is rough on my birthday. My family really can't eat my favorite foods or eat the desserts I want, so I have to choose stuff I don't really want just so they can partake. Major first world problem I know, and beyond selfish to complain about, but after years of compromising on your birthday what you eat, it wears on you. I guess in isolation it's not a problem. It's only wearing on me because it's in conjunction with having to use my birthdays doing anything but celebrating my birthday, like celebrating my aunt and uncle being pregnant with their child. Didn't do anything for my birthday. It was all about my aunt and uncle. No one in the family even remembered it was my birthday. Would have probably been more acceptable if I was close to that side of the family. My dad's side I have never been close to. Always felt like a stranger in my own family. To make everything worse, last year on my birthday I was alone and homeless. No one cared. At all. I felt so alone. Only a few close friends sent me messages wishing me a happy birthday. Nothing to celebrate that day. For me, last year's birthday was the worst. Honestly, it was so bad I kinda just want to forget that I even have a birthday. I'll never have one that's worth remembering in a good way. It's a day of pain and feeling like I don't matter. I know this is all so silly and petty, but it's true. It's how I feel. I know I shouldn't, but this is how I feel. I really don't want to have a birthday anymore. It's too painful. I have fears as well. My youngest sister committing suicide. I have heard that she is very suicidal. To the point of very realistically having to go to the hospital. I have been at that point. Many times. To be honest, I really should have gone to the hospital. I honestly should have. Just like I should have seen a doctor about getting on anti-depressants but never did. Anyway, but yeah, hearing that my little sis is in that kind of head space breaks my heart. I can't imagine living without her. Sure, we don't have much of a relationship, regrettably, but I still love her to death. I mean, I can't lose my video game partner! The only person I could ever play "Mario Kart: Double Dash" with! The only person I could ever play "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battlenexus" with (whenever I can finally get my hands on a copy of it again. Still mad dad threw out that game when we were kids). The first family member to ever accept me as my true self. The one who always had the most energy. The one with the most imagination. The most persuasivness. I don't know how I could live without her. I love her so much. I honestly wish I was the only one in the family who ever got that suicidal. If I could make it that I was the only person in the family to ever get suicidal so the rest of the family could be happy, I would. The thought of any of them hurting hurts me too much. I just want what is best for all of them. I want them to be happy, even if it means I get hurt for the rest of my life. They're more important than me anyway and have brighter futures. Anyway, this is something I fear so much, a life without my youngest sister. I don't even want to imagine something like that is possible. Another fear of mine is really silly, but real. My love language is touch. I never really got touched growing up, and when I did, it was always negative. I know what touch starvation feels like. Probably the worst thing I have ever experienced. Even worse than gender dysphoria and right up there with being demonically oppressed (actually happened to me, and would rather not ever think about that). So, I am someone who desperately craves touch and shows my love through touch, as I don't want anyone to ever experience what I did. That said, that love language is a tough one to have in America. Touching one another is pretty socially unacceptable unless it's a mother touching her small child, a greeting (before COVID, that is), or a lover. Many people just don't like being touched as well. So, it is hard for me to love others in a way that feels authentic, and to be honest, when someone doesn't want to be touched, it feels like a personal attack. It feels like they are rejecting me, because that is how I show my love. The even harder part is finding anyone who will touch me. Once again, here in America, the number of situations where it's acceptable to touch another person are extremely limited. Touchy feely people like me are considered weird and creeps and people generally try to avoid us. Thing is, as an adult, the expectation is that if I want touch, I will find someone to either hook-up with for sex (I'm asexual, so not happening) or find a romantic partner (also, not happening). Thankfully, I have my mom at the moment who is willing to touch me (not nearly enough, but good enough), and I am allowed to touch her (and I do get to touch her enough, at least). That said, mom is middle-aged. She's easy to get sick, and her body is really broken down. She isn't going to live forever. For all I know we won't always live near each other (though if she and/or dad ever need someone to take care of them, the burden will almost certainly fall upon me as the oldest, though unmarried one who will also probably be making the least amount of money, considering what my sister's and one of their boyfriends are chasing as careers, and the fact that I am the one they abused the most). I need touch, often. I need to touch others, often. I am terrified of living without being able to fulfill that need. I don't want to go back to touch-starvation being a constant and feeling so unloved. Yet, the day my mom moves away or dies, that is what will happen, because it almost certain that I am not getting married. So, how could I fulfill my need to touch someone and get someone to touch me? I don't see how it's possible. This is honestly, maybe my biggest fear in life. It's really stupid, I know, but something so important to me. Now, how about some wishes? One is to see my younger sisters find happiness. Even if I never do, just seeing them happy makes me happy. My middle sister always, from her earliest days made it clear that her desire was to be a mom. That was her goal. She wanted to get married to some great guy and have a family with him. It appears that she found him. At this point they are just waiting to graduate from college to marry (next year is their graduation year if I remember correctly). She is quite close to finding her happiness, the thing she has always strived for. I am happy for her. I so hope she is fulfilled quite soon. My youngest sister, not completely certain on what she wants anymore. Whatever it is, it will be creative. She's a very creative person, the most creative person I know. She's always wanted careers where she could show off her creativity, and whatever that is, she will shine so brightly in. I only hope she can survive the abuse of our parents to get to that point. Honestly, I was about to post more wishes, but the only other one I can think of is that my parents stop being so abusive. I really don't have any for myself. I've never been allowed to dream or wish for things. My parents made sure of that. Honestly, I am completely aimless. I don't know what I want for myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life. My parents thoroughly destroyed any love or passion for anything I ever had. My first loves where meteorology and astronomy. My parents were against both because I wasn't good at math, and it would be "too hard to get careers out of," so they ensured I stopped wanting to be either. I have always loved history. My entire life I have loved watching documentaries and reading history books, even as a small child. Even as a kid I would rather read a history book than a fiction book. So, I thought maybe I would get a history degree. Once again, because it's hard to get a career with a history degree, my parents thoroughly destroyed any notion that I should chase after a career with a history degree. Then I found a love for graphic design. Once again, hard to get a career in that field and my parents removed access from graphic design programs from me. My very final love was psychology. That one died because by that time I was getting so suicidal from dysphoria that I had to focus on just living, rather than making any future plans. So, my last dream died. Now, I am aimless with no real loves for anything. I have no idea what it is I want. If I am being honest, I still love history, astronomy, and to a small extent, meteorology, but, studying those things today brings too much pain. It's painful for me to read or watch anything about them. My entire life I have been stripped of my identity. Forced to live as a boy and then man. Forced to give up every passion I have ever had. How could I dream or wish? My only wishes are for others that they have a better life. I am being honest when I say that I have given up on having a better life. I just hope no one else has to. I'm just in survival mode. Doing the bare minimum to live. I don't see how I could be anything more than the dirt poor idiot who loses at everything. As I see it, my chance at life is long past gone. I only exist to serve others and help push them and help them live better lives, so they don't end up like me.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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