5/30/2021 0 Comments May 30th, 2021I don't even truly know what I want. I finally realized that just a few minutes ago while feeling miserable as I forced myself to listen to Quadeca's terrible album "From Me to You" (why I do that kind of shit to myself I will never know. I really need to stop forcing myself to listen all the way through terrible albums). Anyway, what I realized is that my different "personalities" as you could say have pretty much merged. Now, I do not want to imply that I have multiple personality disorder, I am just using the term "personalities" for lack of a better one. Anyway, so, there's the part of me that I created to "protect" me from trauma. I used it to pretend to my parents that I was every bit as evil as they wanted to believe, and to repress what I truly wanted because of abuse. For instance, giving up all my hopes and dreams because of abuse. I still love those things, I have just repressed my love for those things. To the outside world I pretended that I had completely gotten over all of those things, and made it seem like that I had moved completely on, and eventually over time I started convincing myself that it was so, even though it was a blatant lie. For examples: I loved astronomy. I knew I wanted to be an astronomer. My dad decided that it wasn't a good career path for me, so he made sure that I knew that it wasn't acceptable to chase after professionally. So, I pretended that I didn't really care for astronomy anymore. Over time, I started convincing myself that maybe I was. Well, I never did stop caring for it, in my heart of hearts I still do love it, but there's so much trauma attached to it that I cannot bring myself to get back into studying astronomy. Stuff like that. So many wishes, desires, and loves I had to repress just to be acceptable in the eyes of my parents. So many things I started convincing myself that I was over and sometimes forgot about for awhile. So, now, I have a problem. I don't truly know what it is I desire, what is the real me in certain cases. There are certain things where I genuinely don't know what my true thoughts and feelings are. I know I used to have a strong feeling about these things, I used to be certain, but when I had to pretend to be different for the sake of my parents, I gradually forgot what my original position was, and my new position became so ingrained that now I have no idea what was the one I took on to deal with trauma and which is my true self. My traumatized repressed self has merged with, well, my true self. I don't even know what is my true self anymore. To illustrate what I mean better, let us pretend that I didn't remember whether I liked astronomy or not when I was little. If that were the case, today I would sit here and wonder: "did I always like astronomy, or did I pretend to like astronomy only to keep my parents off my back? I can't remember." It's gotten to the point that for some things like that I feel one way in one mood, and another way in a different mood. I'm such a damn mess. What is my natural desires? I don't know anymore, outside of a few things that I do remember.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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