5/31/2020 0 Comments My Struggles as of LateSo, I’ve really been struggling with some things lately. Things I know I shouldn't struggle with, but I do, and these two things are intertwined. First, celebrating the good in other people’s lives. So, this started out as just a struggle that related strictly to me, in that I felt worthless because no one ever celebrates the good in my life. My birthday means nothing to my family, and I've never had friends to celebrate it with, so my birthday makes me feel worthless. My birthday has been spent going to weddings, babysitting, visiting potential members of our church at the time, celebrating my aunt & uncle having their first child, etc. My birthday isn't anything special, just about everything takes precedence over it. How about when I graduated from high school? Well, first, there was no party, but that was fine with me as I was already leaning towards not having one anyway, so cool there. Instead we had a dinner with both sets of grandparents, which I was fine with. But, how did my parents ruin it? Well, they asked me where I wanted to go eat. I cng hose the local Chinese buffet. My parents said "no," and gave reasons, and while I was quite disappointed, I recommended a few other Chinese restaurants. Then, my parents said, "we don't feel like eating Chinese, we want burgers, how about Five Guys & Fries?" Well, at that time, I had never been to Five Guys. I didn't want to risk eating somewhere I might not like on my special night and not only that, eat something I didn't want. After a few hours, I convinced my parents to go to Culver's instead. I'm still bitter about that. So, anyway, I can go on about other times I was screwed out of a celebration, but I think you get the point. Anyway, so I was struggling dealing with feeling worthless from no one caring about me or anything special I've done, and that anger, depression, and worthlessness is now being targeted towards other people. Whenever people get a celebration, or do something celebration worthy, I get angry. In fact, I start hating that person. For instance, someone I know just got married. I should have been happy for him, but instead, seeing him happy and everyone celebrating him and his wife made me angry, and despise him. Now, that's not the only reason I've been struggling with hatred towards him, and that we'll get to later, but those sorts of things like marriage make me angry now. Heck, anybody being happy makes me angry and resentful now. Seeing people's Facebook stories, having fun with family and friends, I get angry, and hate that person for having a good time. I sit for hours, brooding and stewing in hatred.
Alright, and the second thing that I've been struggling with? Realizing that I don't believe love is real. I mean, I intellectually know love is real, but subconsciously, I don't believe it to be. I've never experienced it, and never seen it in action, until recently. So, I get angry when I see or hear about people loving each other. I hate those people, because it's a painful reminder about how I've never felt loved. So, I have to pretend love isn't real to cope. If I admit that love exists, then I start feeling pain, unbearable pain. I literally have to pretend that love doesn't exist to protect my mental health, and seeing these people keep bringing it up, and bursting that bubble, it makes me hate them, because it ruins my delusion that I put up to not feel pain. So, going to back to the person who just got married, as you can see, it wasn't just that something good happened to them, it was that, well, they got married. Marriage is literally all about love. I was being reminded in a way too big to ignore that love exists, and he has found the love of his life, and I'm not loved. So, I hated him the entire day, and most of today in all honesty. I don't like those reminders, because then I feel pain. I don't like feeling pain. I'd rather exist in a world with no love so I don't feel the pain of being unloved than have to recognize that it exists and feel that pain. Lately, I've been going out of my way to tell myself that nothing is worth celebrating, and I have all the reasons why nothing should ever be celebrated. I've found all the psychological reasons why romantic love is bad. I've got all this evidence that I use to tell myself that celebrations, good things, and love are actually bad for people, just so I don't feel pain. I know it's wrong, but I cannot stop myself, I just want relief from the pain, and this does, until I have to face reality again. So, those are the things I've been struggling with lately.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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