10/27/2020 0 Comments RelationshipsOne of the hardest things to realize for me is realizing that I am on my own. I have to be the only person I rely on. So, when you’re a really little child, your parents are everything, you rely on them completely, they’re the people you care most about. When you get a bit older, it’s your friends that you care the most about, it’s your friends that make up your world. Once you make it to your teen years you eventually start realizing as they go on, that it’s not so healthy to be so enmeshed in others and you start making your own life. By the time you’re an adult, your parents and friends still matter, but they’re not your world, they’re not the people you truly rely on, you rely on yourself, they’re wonderful additions to your life.
What if you never had that foundation though? What if you couldn’t rely on your parents when you were super little? What if you never really had any friends growing up? What if you never had anyone during that transitional time that is your teen years to learn how to rely more on yourself and have a healthier view of relationships and how they should work? You don’t know how to really function then I didn’t have many friends growing up, and I didn’t have any during my teen years that could be used as a point to learn how to handle adult relationships. Because my view of relationships, namely, friendships are still rooted in the view of friendships of a child, I have struggled so much handling adult friendships. Because I never got the chance to have those important relationships growing up, I never in a way, grew up. My instincts are childish. I never was given the chance to grow up, and now, all of the sudden, I’m expected to just be a grown-up now. I’m expected to be ok with how adult friendships work via child friendships. I’m expected to be ok with not relying on my parents. Honestly, I’m not really ok with all this yet. I’m not ready for any of this yet. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t know how to handle adult relationships. Heck, I barely understand relationships as a child. It’s like being expected to climb to the top of a mountain without any training. I need more time, and yet, that’s one thing I don’t have: time. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being expected to live up to standards that I cannot reach because I was never trained to reach them, but have to, because that’s where I’m supposed to be at my age. I don’t have a safe place to learn any of this stuff either, I just have to hope to figure it out without destroying myself in this cruel, viscous world with no guidance. I may be an adult physically, but I’m still trying to figure out childhood, and now I’m expected to figure out adulthood at the same time? How am I expected to handle this? I need someone to rely on, but yet, I can’t. I’m expected to rely on myself, despite not being emotionally or mentally ready to do so. Yes, it’s literally too much to handle. I almost killed myself a few days ago over it. I need my family. Friends may be “family,” but they’re not family. They’re people who you can enjoy talking to and hanging out with, but when things get rough, they’re not necessarily the people you’re supposed to go to for help. They have no obligation to help you. Unfortunately, I’m in the boat of having no actual family to lean on when things get rough, and expecting friends who have families of their own and friends who they care about far more to help me out. That’s unrealistic. I guess I really don’t know what to do. In all honesty, it makes me want to cut off everybody and just live in the streets on my own or, better yet, dying. I’m being dead serious. I need a family, and unfortunately, I don’t have access to one.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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