7/25/2021 0 Comments Run by FearSo, I have been thinking about a lot as of late. My life is driven primarily by fear, and secondarily by anger. How anger is in my passenger seat is a post for another day. Today, I want to discuss some of the ways fear runs my life. There are three things that I am fearful over, and the most relevant thing to my life at the moment is interviewing. I haven’t applied for a single job in over a month. I am terrified of how to present at a job interview, telling the interviewer that my name is Anna, not “Nick,” and how they will react and/or how uncomfortable everything is. Heck, it’s scary enough just the idea of walking in wearing a more androgynous/slightly feminine outfit and having to tell an employee “Hi, I’m Nick, and I’m here for an interview.” I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want the discomfort and I cannot bear to hear anyone call me that deadname even one more time. I’m Anna, and that’s the only name I ever want to hear, and unfortunately, I can’t, not for a long time. Ugh. I hate being trans. Another thing that has me in fear as of late is the fear of being part of a community and finding a chosen family. I am so used to being alone and doing everything alone, being my own friend, etc. So, because it is tiring to be alone, I want to be part of a community and have a chosen family, but, it scares me. Being there for others isn’t a problem for me, I have always been there for others. Heck, I was expected to serve everyone whether I was equipped to or not. The problem is, no one was ever there for me. So, to be there and see people regularly who care about me, and I care about, have each others backs, get to know each other, as much as I desire it, it’s something that also truly scares me. Growing up, I never felt loved or cared about with my family. Never truly felt as if I was a part of the family, and to be honest, hasn’t gotten much better as I get older. I’m not all that close to my family today, or in the past. I love my family. Family means a lot to me, heck, family is probably the most important thing to me. I WANT to be part of a family. I have for my entire life tried to be part of my family and get them to love me. At age 22 I am still trying to do that, though I know it probably won’t ever happen at this point, plus, it’s just tiring. Let’s say I do find a family someday (not likely, but let’s pretend), it’s so radically different from anything I have experienced. I’m honestly scared of not being completely independent anymore. I mean, I’m not completely independent anymore, but outside of one online friend, I’m not particularly close to anyone. I’m scared of intimacy. Heck, even with that close online friend, I have to force myself sometimes to be honest, and many times I just avoid saying how I’m doing or what’s going on because I am used to doing everything alone, being my own support. Another thing that has been eating me alive lately is something I really, really don’t want to talk openly about honestly, that is, tell a single soul. So, if you are a long-time reader you probably know I have always wanted to a mom. Even though I know marriage is something that isn’t in my future, I still long to be a parent if I’m being honest. That said, I know because of how much trauma I deal with, how much abuse, I have no confidence that I wouldn’t just pass the trauma onto the kids. My natural instincts around people are to be abusive because that’s pretty much all I have known and seen in my life. The times when I have watched kids (with at least one of my parents at least being there) I always pretty much ended up abusing the children verbally and/or emotionally, and almost physically as well, but my parents being there prevented me from doing that. It’s all I know, and the only way I know how to treat kids, because quite simply, my parents seemed incapable of not abusing me emotionally and verbally. The desire to physically abuse the kids came strictly out of my uncontrolled anger. I have so much built up anger and resentment, that my desire to express it violently is strictly my own problem. Yes, most of it is a product of being abused, but my parents didn’t physically abuse me (outside of the time they spanked me as a baby). I couldn’t keep calm or cool around children. It would turn into a shit show where CPS would need to be called. Heck, I’m terrified of being asked to babysit for my oldest younger sister when she has kids (assuming that even does ever happen considering that she will be living in a city an hour and a half away from Ft. Wayne). Not only that, I was super sheltered growing up. It would be my natural urge to highly shelter the kids just as I was. Whenever I hear of kids watching movies I wasn’t allowed, heck, didn’t even hear of until I was an adult, such as Lord of the Rings when they’re only 10, I freak out. Then, how do I deal with school? I was homeschooled. I know literally nothing about public school, or a classroom setting outside of what’s shown on TV shows or movies, which from what I hear, isn’t very representative of real life school. I know nothing about what a classroom setting is like, growing up around other children (I was super sheltered and barely interacted with other children), or just anything involved with formal schooling. How could I be there for my child and help them through schooling and the challenges of school and friendships when I didn’t have much experience with friendships as a child and know anything of the challenges of school? I’d be useless. That, and the fact I’m trans. I can’t relate to boys one bit, and you know, take hormones to not be one, and I wasn’t a girl or raised as one, and I would be their mother. So, if one of the kids or the only kid is a girl, and I’m the mom, I’m the one the girl is instinctively go to, and yet, I know nothing of girlhood, or whatever she needs help with. How could I relate or be of help? She would need another mother, that is, a chosen mother to help her out. I would never be enough. This is something that has been eating me alive as of late as well.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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