7/29/2021 0 Comments Summer Nights...Or NotSo, I don't think I'm aromantic. For a few years now I have claimed to be aromantic, but some memories that had been previously blocked off have been unblocked and some stuff I didn't want to remember, but needed to be remembered are now, well...remembered. So, years ago, there was this girl that I liked. As in, really, really, liked. We were a part of a thing called "Bible quizzing." Basically, in short, you study specific sections of the Bible and then once a month you meet up with other churches and you sit on benches with triggers in them, and questions are asked, and whoever jumps first gets to answer the question. I was part of Christian Missionary Alliance quizzing (Great Lakes District, more specifically). I quizzed for a church called "Christian Fellowship." We had the most amount of teams in the district. Our arch-rival church was Bedford. Our two churches had a history of super-stars swapping between the two, so the rivalry was natural, plus, we were only about 25 minutes away from the other, our church being in the Toledo, OH area, and their church being just over the border in Michigan (which, of course raises the rivalry, because, you know, Michigan vs Ohio State, and for the record, I'm a Michigan fan, and to me the football team is dead and doesn't exist, but I am a huge fan of their hockey and men's basketball teams). So, I was one of the better quizzers in the league, and there was a girl who quizzed for Bedford who was also one of the better quizzers in the league. Her family was a "traitor" to Christian Fellowship as they used to attend CF but then switched to Bedford, and her family was full of super-stars. Anyway, my team for the three years I was in the league (as I was always with this one other quizzer who I will name Logan for his privacy), we were a dynamic duo, always in the running for best team in the league (and were two of the three years, not to pat myself on the back too much). Well, this girl, who I will name "Jane" for her own privacy was a part of the best team of Bedford. She was a part of her own dynamic duo, as she had a teammate named "Emily" (not her real name), and while they were the only two good quizzers on the team, they somehow managed to beat the best teams in the league rather frequently, especially my team. I didn't know that Jane even existed until more than halfway into my second season (the best veteran in the league, may I add, and my best season. Also, I was 5th, the only veteran in the top 5 because the rookies were so much better than the veterans it was genuinely laughable, so when I say I was 5th, understand, there was a very, very large gap between me and even the 3rd place spot, because the rookies that year were that good. To rub salt in my wound, my little sister who was a rookie was #1, and her team beat my team 27 straight times. No, that's not a joke. We quizzed against each other 30 times, we beat them once. It was bad.) Anyway, getting off track. So, my team was up against Jane, and we were quizzing in the cursed church (a church that was so broken down only one person could be on the stairs at once, wires were everywhere, they literally burned the soup, and I always put on my worst performances there), and I had never quizzed against her before. Her team beat mine easily. Didn't help that I had my first ever error out (when you answer three questions wrong. You leave the quiz then and the team loses 20 points), because she was constantly beating me to the punch and knocked me off my mental game. I hated her guts. I wanted her dead. Originally, I thought I did so poorly because her fast jumping was getting under my skin. Now, I know it was because I was jumping too fast in an attempt to impress her. I genuinely did not realize that at the moment. Well, we didn't go up against her until end of year tournaments. They trounced us. It wasn't close, and my team was definitely superior. So, that only led to further hatred of Jane, the best quizzer on the team who seemed to be my equal (ok, she was my superior, but I would never let myself admit that at the time). The next season, we quizzed against each other a few times outside of tournaments. Her team regularly beat my team. In the first half of the season, it made genuine sense. My team sucked. Sure, me and Logan were together, but Logan wasn't doing well, and the two newcomers on the team (none of these are their real names), Jacob and Sam were at times literally fighting each other (not joking. One time they literally starting throwing punches over who sat where) and neither were good. I was literally dragging the teams carcass across the finish line. We were third in the league, and I was the 4th best quizzer in the league. We were expected to be the best team in the league. Her team beat mine during that time. Well, mid year tournaments came up, and finally, I collapsed. I couldn't handle the mental stress of being the team's sole star and watching the team literally throw punches at each other anymore. I went from 4th in the league to somewhere in the 30's by the end of the season. I couldn't keep it up. Thankfully, Logan and Sam got their shit together and Jacob stopped fighting. During mid year tournaments, we quickly found our stride and became the team we were expected to be before the beginning the season. Unfortunately, during the mid year championships we went up against Jane. Her team beat mine in epic fashion. It was a schooling. Over in 3 rounds. It was bad. My team was the mockery of the league for it. We had literally the best day in league history up until the tournaments started (we had regular season quizzes in the morning, and tournament quizzes in the afternoon). We had been killing it. Then we collapsed in front of everyone. We lost to two teams we should have trounced. We lost to Jane's team. Me and Logan literally cried. All three years we made it to mid year championships. All three years we got beat soundly. Didn't help that this time we ended up as a mockery. I was pissed. I really, really, really, hated Jane now. I told her coach to his face, and I'm not joking at all about this, after the championship: "our two teams will face again in finals, and my team will show up merely to see who places second" (three teams quizzed against each other at once in this league). I hated Jane. She was the main reason for her team winning. I became obsessed with her. People started making jokes behind my back about how I was going to propose to her. I only know about these jokes because a people told me afterwards. At the time I had no idea, I didn't find out until a year or so later. Apparently, from what I have heard from others, she really liked me too, but didn't realize it at the time until it was too late as well. Today she is married and has two kids. So, how did I deal with all this? Kept it all to myself (to be fair, there was no one in my life at the time who I could have trusted to help me deal with it), learned to harden my heart, and block it out of my memories. Like, I genuinely had these memories blocked off for several years. Anyway, don't know if my anger issues come from this (I didn't have anger issues before this, so it's possible, or maybe part of the reason), but I definitely know my sarcasm and cynicism comes from this. That and a lot of the hatred I feel towards so many people comes from this. My hatred for romance comes from this. I didn't have the tools or anyone to go to for help back then, and to be honest, I still don't. Now, as an adult, when I already have more than enough to deal with (such as plummeting mental health), this comes back. To be honest, I needed to have dealt with this long ago, and since I didn't, this comes back at a horrible time for me to learn to deal with now. Problem is, I don't know how, and I don't have anyone in my life who I know who can help me through this. I have people I can just vent about this to, which is important, but how do you move past something like this? I don't expect to ever have feelings like that for anyone else ever again, I know it's not healthy to have this part of my heart closed off in such an unhealthy way.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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