6/23/2020 0 Comments The Death of a ThrillJohn 12:24 (CSB): Truly I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains by itself. But if it dies, it produces much fruit. I was listening to an old C.S. Lewis message, and he made an interesting observation I have not heard before, which is, that maybe, one of the meanings of many of this verse may be the end of one thrill to lead into another. For example, say that you're learning to be an airplane pilot. It's thrilling, exciting, especially once you get your license and start flying professionally. Eventually though, the thrill goes, you still love it, but, because you're not spending all of your energy thinking, studying, doing that one thing anymore, basically, not the sole center attention of your life anymore, you move on to something else. Maybe that pilot discovers a love for music, and spends their time studying and enjoying music, and the cycle continues. Your infatuation has to die, so you can move on to other things to grow. Doesn't mean you stop loving those previous things, but the infatuation, that thing isn't where you spend almost all your energy anymore. You start learning other things. I never really thought of life that way before now, but I can easily see how true that is.
For 21 years, gender dysphoria was the main focus of my life. As a child and teen, hiding it was what I spent all my energy on, for the last few years, trying to pretend to myself I wasn't trans was my focus. I had no way of growing, and I didn't grow. I never really grew as a person, I mean, I did, but it was extremely slowly, because my energy was almost exclusively devoted to one thing. Now, I've started transitioning. Dysphoria is no longer my main focus, and now I've started focusing on things such as growing spiritually (and I have grown a lot spiritually over the last three months in ways I never thought imaginable), and I've started studying economics (I did in the past as well, but now I'm really dedicating much of my energy towards it). For years I spent much energy into music, mostly as a coping mechanism, but I also learned to love music because of how much energy I spent following it. I still love music, but I've found new interests that have taken the place of the majority of my energy from that. I don't spend as much energy on that anymore. Still love music, but it's not one of my big focuses anymore. I am growing as a person, because I let go of old thrills. Right now, watching my body change into the person I've always known myself to be is a major thrill, but eventually, I know that will die away, and I will move onto something else, something that will (hopefully) benefit me even more. Oh, and another highly important thing that not focusing on dysphoria has allowed is now I'm able to focus on building relationships, having friends. I could never really do that before. Anyway, this was just an interesting note, and I just wanted to share. I think we all can think of things in our lives like that, that we spent so much energy on because of the thrill, only for the thrill to die and turn into a genuine love, a deep respect, but not a thrill, and move onto new thrills to repeat the cycle as we grow.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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