6/29/2021 0 Comments Where is God?I just paused the song “Ancient and Brave” by John Mark McMillan. The first chorus just played and the words “where’s God at a time like this, where is God?” are ringing through my head. It’s in so many ways such a simple question, but it really is a profound one. One that so many have asked throughout the ages. One often asked in a desperate, depressed and/or sad state. It’s a question one asks when they feel abandoned. It’s one I have asked many times. It’s one that I often don’t have an answer to, because if I’m being honest, I’m not always convinced in the existence of God, or to be more specific, in the existence of Yahweh at the very least. I definitely believe in a spiritual realm. I have had too many spiritual experiences to not believe that there is something spiritual out there that we can’t physically interact with or see. But, where is Yahweh, the God whom I am supposed to serve? The one who supposedly created me? I remember asking that back right after conversion therapy ended. The first time I hit rock bottom. I hated life so much that I was literally praying to God to kill me. I had no hope for life even one bit. I just finished two years of hell. Two years of having no other option to hate myself for being trans and being forced to “man up.” I remember just asking God “where are you?” I felt that God abandoned me. I felt that it was because maybe because the therapy didn’t work, because I was such a horrible sinner that I remained trans. I prayed for death, waiting for it to come. That’s the first time I can think of asking that question. I probably asked it before then, but that’s as far back as my memory will allow at the moment. I remember having no hope. I remember thinking I was a failure. Everything was collapsing in my life, especially my mental and emotional state. My mental health after conversion therapy was so bad I genuinely paranoid. I remember being too scared to go to sleep because I was genuinely afraid that my family was waiting for me to do so in order to come in to rape and kill me. That’s how bad of a state I was in. I was paranoid, dehumanized, and felt completely alone and abandoned, especially by God.
Lately I have really been thinking a lot about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. One of the most impactful moments for me in all of it is the moment when Jesus cries out from the cross: “Father, why have you abandoned me?” God the Father abandoned His own son, Jesus in His weakest moment. God straight up abandoned Jesus. Our own Savior knows how we feel. Heck, He understands it to a deeper level than I could understand. For me, this might be the most amazing moment in the whole crucifixion and resurrection story. The God who created me understands how I feel. The God I cry out to “where are you?” felt what I feel. Not saying it makes everything ok. It doesn’t, but it does help me feel slightly less alone. “Where is God” is a question I have been asking a lot of lately. I haven’t been feeling much hope for now or the future. In many ways right now feels very similar to when I first exited conversion therapy. I feel as if God has left me. I feel that I can do no right. I feel quite alone. I find death appealing. Ever since I was a child I wanted to die young. I knew even back then I could never live life as a man, so if I couldn’t be a woman, I would rather be dead. That was my thought process as a mere child. As I got older and my gender dysphoria only got worse, suicidal tendencies got added to the mix. Then I started to have to reckon with the fact that my parents were abusive and I couldn’t handle the abuse anymore. It became firmly embedded in my mind that a young death was desirable, preferably before age 25. Today, it still stands. My numerous physical problems (I got all the bad genes in the family), my severe trauma, and so many other things have only contributed to a strong desire I currently feel for death. To die in my sleep or something like that. Just pure hopelessness. Dreams that have been shattered. Having to have been my own parent growing up. Constant dehumanization. Lack of any prospects for a future life. So many things. Earlier I mentioned that it was nice knowing that God understands how I often have felt over the years. Now, I turn the table and realize that I understand, to a small degree the hopelessness He almost certainly felt at that point. The despair. The loneliness. In many ways it makes me love Him all the more. What other god can you share the same emotional experiences with like that? A god who has experienced despair like that? Help me to believe dear God. Help me to have hope again, like I did as a child. Hope that everything will be alright. Hope enough to not wish death upon myself all the time like I do. Be my provider. Jesus. Be there for me, especially when no one else is. Help me to trust and believe.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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