2/26/2022 0 Comments My Life As Of LateIt's been a few months since I have posted anything. I'm sorry about that, I truly am. I wanted to write earlier. That said, it's been an insane last few months. I ended up having to go back living with my parents. It was that or living on the streets...in the middle of a midwest winter. So, I have been adjusting to living with my parents again. It's not been easy or what I wanted, but, it was better than living on the streets. So far they have treated me far better than they used to, which is a huge relief. Unfortunately, still don't have a job. Absolutely no one is calling me back. I even follow up with jobs and still no one bothers calling back. It's beyond frustrating to the point I'm not applying to too many jobs anymore. My mental health has been pretty awful, absolutely everything sets me off into a rage now. Small little things such as dropping something makes my temper flare up. It's not healthy, and I'm trying to keep it under control, but it's hard. My body image issues have been terrorizing me again. It's all I can do to not think about my body, otherwise I feel disgusting. Am I overweight? Yes. Am I fat? By no means. Do I see myself as fat? Absolutely. That's not good. So, there have been days where I starved myself just to try to get my weight down, or at least try. I'm not sleeping well. Not at all. Most nights I get several bad dreams and keep waking up. Some nights I have no dreams but barely sleep. So, I am perpetually exhausted. It's not fun. Having struggles with the Post Office, learning to live with others again and stop being so independent. It's rough, really rough. There's a lot of days I just want to break down and cry, but the tears never come. Many days though I have panic attacks. I have harmed myself a few times admittedly and have seriously contemplated suicide, but as you can see, have not gone through with it. Frankly, I cannot bring myself to do it knowing that it will be a family member who discovers my body, and not only that, I have a dear friend from Oklahoma who needs me alive. So, I cannot do it, no matter how much I want. There have been times when I have angrily cried to God: "why do you curse me like this, giving me reasons to live? Life isn't worth the pain, let me die." I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong to say that, but I do. It's how I often feel. It's been a real struggle. Honestly, I feel myself going even further into my shell, distrusting others even more than I already did. I find myself being honest with others on how I am doing even less. It's harder to get away with offline though because I have absolutely no poker face (which is why I absolutely hate card games) so I cannot get away with telling people, "I'm fine" because my face immediately gives away the fact that no, I am not. Online though, I don't have that problem. I can get away with lying when I want. I try to be honest, and most of the time I'm mostly honest, but not always. There have been times when I was suicidal and someone would message me and I would pretend that everything was fine. Frankly, I'm just beyond depressed and anxious. To make it even better, my anger management issues are only getting worse. It's been rough. It's been very rough for years now and only ever seems to get worse. I'm trying to hold on, doing everything I can, but it's never enough. Frankly, I just don't have the energy anymore. I just don't have the energy to do anything more than just live, barely. To be honest, I don't really pray much anymore. If I do pray, it's for others and not myself. I don't touch my Bible anymore. I just don't trust God anymore. Frankly, I don't really trust anyone, even those I know I can trust. I have let relationships die because I don't trust them enough to keep up with them. But, I hold on, and will keeping holding on to life because I have to. I don't have the choice of dying. I cannot traumatize my family. I cannot let my friends down. I must keep on.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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