12/22/2021 0 Comments Dealing With Holiday TraumaIt's the most wonderful time of the year! Or, so the song goes. For many, the Christmas season is a good time of the year. Sure, work may be more stressful if you work retail or a factory job. Sure, getting all the correct presents and making travel plans can be a hassle. But, for many, the time with family and friends is what makes it all worth it. For some though, like me, it's not. This is a time of great trauma. I was in conversion therapy from fall 2014 - fall 2016. Christmas week 2016 is the first thing I remember after conversion therapy because I blocked those two years from my memory. I hit rock bottom. For the most part I couldn't feel anything. I was emotionally numb. If I did feel anything, then it was anger. I was praying to God to kill me. I had literally no hope. I just wanted death. My mental health was non-existent. So, every year since Christmas has been a rough season. I get quite depressed and often, quite suicidal at this time. That said, I have been working on my trauma. One of the steps I have taken this year is accept that this is a rough time for me. I have felt bad for a few years now about not enjoying Christmas, feeling that I should absolutely love this season, I mean, you're supposed to, right? The thing is though, trying to force myself to enjoy the Christmas season is unhealthy. I am not ready for that yet. Maybe someday I will have dealt with the trauma and the Christmas season won't be rough for me. Maybe. When that happens, if that happens, then I can re-discover the magic of the season. In the meantime though, I am learning to accept that this is one holiday I cannot love. Similarly, learning to accept that this trauma happened and is very real. I have spent years trying to just avoid what happened. That's not healthy. So, I have been working to just accept what happened and allow myself to mourn the horrors of conversion therapy and the tatters it left me in. Allow myself to mourn how it destroyed my mental and emotional health and the person I could have been if I hadn't been through that torture. Allow myself to mourn the fact that my parents rejected me and cared so little that they decided to have me mentally and emotionally tortured just so they wouldn't have to deal with a child who's different. It's rough healing from trauma, especially when it's tied to a certain time of year. But, this year I'm making a genuine effort to handle it all in a more healthy way than in past years. Maybe someday it truly can be the most wonderful time of the year, but, not this year.
0 Comments
|
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |