5/29/2022 0 Comments A Desire to Never Be Fulfilled
(Note: There is an audio version of this blog post at the bottom of the page for those who desire or need it)
Before we start, I want to make something clear, if I were to be a parent, I would adopt. I wouldn’t have my own biological child. Anyway, on with the article: So, something that generally does not haunt me anymore, though it used to, is the fact that I will never be able to give birth. I’ve much made my peace with it at this point. That said, now I am learning to deal with the fact that I will never be a parent at all. I genuinely do not know how I could possibly ever be a parent at all. And frankly, that is kind of depressing. I was watching some TikTok videos a friend sent me about parenting and breaking the cycle. It made me do some thinking. I ended up thinking about two different things. The first thing is this: there is no way in hell I ever get married. Frankly, it’s just not something I care about at all. I just genuinely do not see myself ever getting married. It’s not something I desire, and even if I did, I struggle to hold down the two friendships I currently have. I have no social skills and extreme trust issues. Like, even people I know I can trust I don’t trust. No way in hell could I ever hold down a marriage. I don’t have the maturity, emotional or mental stability to ever do so. I know some would say marriage is not needed to be a parent, but if I were to parent, I would want to provide my kids with the most stable home I could, which would require a partner. Second, most importantly, I would be a terrible parent. I was abused. My parents were abused by their parents. My grandparents were abused by their parents. There’s a cycle of abuse in this family. I don’t want that to continue. I don’t want to be one of those selfish people who have kids just because they want them with no care to being fit to being a parent. I know I wouldn’t be, as much I want to be a parent. Because of the abuse, frankly, I don’t know how to treat others as they should be treated, especially kids. I have had to help watch kids in the past (one of my dad’s old jobs was running a ministry for refugee and immigrants and so me, dad, and my sisters often had to watch the kids while the mothers learned English), and frankly, the moment the kid started threatening my authority it all went to shit and I became as abusive as my parents…with my parents right there watching it and supporting it (for the most part). I do not trust myself to treat the kids as they should be treated. Plus, I am completely inept at emotions. I don’t even understand what I feel most of the time, so how could I ever deal with a kid’s emotions and help them with stuff? In addition, my mental and emotional health is terrible, and that will be felt by the children, affecting them. That wouldn’t be fair to them. Furthermore, I was so sheltered growing up. I have had so few real-world experiences, especially ones that others have had, ones considered normal. How could I help my kids go through the world when I don’t know what it’s like to go to school? I don’t know what it’s like to deal with friendship drama. I rarely had friends growing up and almost none of them last longer than a few months. I didn’t get to watch what others were watching, or listen to what others were listening to, etc. I often was kept inside the house for months on end, not allowed to go out and interact with others or even leave the property. Never got to interact with culture much. How could I be a good parent with such a background?
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5/24/2022 0 Comments Leaving the Trans Community(Note: There is an audio version of this blog post at the bottom of the page for those who desire or need it) I want to make something clear: I no longer want to be considered a part of the trans community. I am currently planning to end my podcast and I will be changing the name of both this blog and my Tumblr blog. I will also be removing “trans” from my social media bios. I want to clarify, I am not saying that I am no transgender, I am, but I do not want to be associated with the community any longer. I’m struggling to figure out how to explain myself in all honesty. Frankly, the white trans femme community is toxic. It expects you to transition “the correct way,” it expects you to pass according to their standards, they anoint themselves the defenders of the trans community while ignoring voices more marginalized than theirs (such as black trans women), act as if they are the biggest victims of transphobia, act as if they cannot be racist, ableist, etc., make their entire identities being trans, are privileged as fuck, and frankly are so stereotypical that as soon as I know you’re a white trans woman I know exactly what your interests are (Star Trek Discovery, Star Wars, anime, My Chemical Romance, Pokémon, and a high chance at being into Dark Souls), job is (programmer, some other tech related job or work in the legal system), and political leanings are (anarchist). Frankly, I do not want “being trans” to be my sole identity. It is an important part of who I am, but I want more than to just be trans. I want to be remembered for more than being trans. But I also want to do actual work for the trans community. The white trans femme community is facing little actual persecution. For most white trans women the most oppressive thing they will ever face is J.K. Rowling writing out transphobic tweets and Dave Chapelle making transphobic jokes. If shit ever hits the fan, most white trans women I have talked to and observed are well off enough to escape to another state that is trans-friendly or even to another country. The average white trans woman will never face actual persecution. They are too well off. Most either have tech jobs, are lawyers, or transitioned later in life when they have plenty of money to live off and don’t have to worry about a thing. But, because they’re trans they believe they understand oppression despite being well off, able bodied, and white. I have seen too many posts by white trans women who claim that they can’t be racist because they’re trans and therefore “have no power.” Apparently, being trans cancels out white privilege. While I am not black, I have read articles and tweets by black trans women who have stated clearly that this is a slap in the face to them. White trans women still experience white privilege in “normal” ways but also in ways unique to being trans. You know how the trans community loves talking about how many trans people get killed? Well, last year there was a record number of confirmed killings of trans people: 57. 8 of them white, 2 of those who were white were trans men, and only two of the white trans women could have lived with any sort of comfort (the others were stated as being poor or homeless). All the rest of those who were killed were black, indigenous or Hispanic. In other words: unless you’re a white trans woman who is poor, your life is not at stake and you better never on Transgender Day of Remembrance say something like “it could have been me.” No, it couldn’t have been. Congratulations, you had some privilege stripped, but you are far more privileged than almost any other group. I’m tired of seeing white trans women praise each other for how well they pass and shun those who don’t. I’m tired of judgement for using an informed consent clinic. I’m tired of seeing these privileged trans women act as if their experiences are normal and then appropriate being oppressed. Like, congrats on having money to get surgeries, to get voice training, on being able to pass, and being able to start presenting as yourself in safe spaces. I couldn’t and can’t. I’m poor as hell, have been homeless and didn’t get to start presenting as myself until I was homeless and faced a lot of harassment for it. I don’t have the money to get enough clothing of my gender even. I don’t pass, I don’t have a voice that’s consistently passing as female. Even through all that, at least I still have the self-awareness to recognize that I am still despite all this privileged in the trans community for being white and (mostly) able-bodied. Most don’t. So, I want to focus on fighting for things that matter. Right now, there’s a crisis going on for elder trans people. Many doctors, nursing homes, etc. do not treat trans people the way they should be treated, and sometimes may even straight up refuse them their hormones or referring to them by their correct names. Elder trans people need to be taken care of, but where do they go? This is a real issue that needs to be addressed, but most queer news sites and most prominent online trans figures would rather talk about what J.K. Rowling just said. The majority of trans people getting killed are poor and persons of color, but well-off white trans women would rather pretend they’re the ones getting attacked. What we should be doing is focusing on supporting and listening to black, indigenous, Hispanic, Asian, and poor trans folk (non-binary, trans men, trans women, agender, etc.) to listen to their experiences, the hurdles they face, and follow them to help in whatever way we are able (and notice, follow them, let them say what it is they need, let them be the leaders in their community). Focus on making it easier to access hormones and making it mandatory for doctors to learn how to treat trans people. These are just some examples of things we could be focusing on that would better lives rather than sitting on Twitter whining about mean jokes by a comedian. Personally, I am planning on finding how I can get out there and help those who need the help, rather than try to fit in to the white trans femme clique. Maybe, it’s time to use my privilege to benefit those who have less or none by listening and learning from them and finding how I can support them. I’m done trying to be part of a community I could never be a part of anyway. It’s time to focus on those outside of the clique and how to better their lives. 5/19/2022 0 Comments 3 Years of BloggingThree years ago I opened up a blog on Blogger and started writing. At that time I was still going by the name Nicole rather than Anna and I had just accepted the fact that I was trans. At that time I really had no idea what I was doing and my topics were all over the place. I would write letters that I wanted to give my parents but couldn’t, talk about my struggles with my dysphoria, and also write posts about my favorite video game reveals at E3 and favorite songs. It was unfocused and all over the place. Now, I’ve pretty much found my niche and stick to it. Doesn’t get that many readers, most articles are in single digits in terms of readership, but hey, I’ll take any readers I can get. I’m not going to complain. When I first started blogging, I was pre-transition and very suicidal from dysphoria, along with being financially, emotionally and verbally abused by parents. I had no friends at all. Now, I have two friends (both online). I was not a part of the trans community at all, and now I’m still not really, but I tried and realized that I hated the community because I couldn’t relate to anyone else in it. I was a Christian who was struggling with whether you could be trans and Christian or not. Now, I’m not a Christian (but not because I decided that being trans and Christian was impossible. I stopped being one for other reasons as outlined in my last article). These last three years have been rough. I am as depressed as ever, though less suicidal. My transition hasn’t gone too well to be honest, but at least I’m transitioning. Been out of a job for over a year and a half, I’ve been homeless, I have experienced starvation. But, on the flip side, there has been good: I am transitioning. I have friends. Sure, only two and both are online friends, but still friends. People actually pay attention to me for once which is a major improvement. So, anyway, thank you all for reading these last three years. Here’s to many more. 5/12/2022 0 Comments Probably Not A Christian AnymoreI don't think I'm a Christian anymore. Frankly, I no longer call myself one at the very least. It's not that I necessarily don't believe in the Bible, it's a whole lot other things that make me realize that I don't think I'm a Christian anymore. So, where do I start? For starters, my theology is too different from anybody else's. Conservatives' fundamentalism and belief in Biblical literalism is stupid as hell. Their fundamentalism is built on beliefs that are mostly outright rejected in the Bible or are built upon purposeful mistranslations (such as the verses that seem to condemn homosexuality. They're purposeful mistranslations). Their Biblical literalism is literally historical revisionism. I'm not even talking about actual history, I'm just talking about church history. Church fathers up until a few hundred years ago scoffed at such beliefs. In addition to that, we have to pretend actual world history and science aren't things that exist. That said, progressives are no better. They reject basically everything in the Bible other than it's social justice stances. The Bible is very pro-social justice, sorry conservatives, and progressives are right to focus in on these verses. Unfortunately, most of their other theology is at best, harmless but void of anything to do with what the Bible teaches, and at worse, blatant heresy. They reject miracles. They reject that Jesus died and rose again. They reject hell, or at least that hell is a punishment. They reject Biblical teachings on salvation. I orginally had a whole rant written out that was going to go here, but then I realized it would probably just make me look bad and hurt some people I don't want to hurt, even though to be honest, I want to just slap some sense into them badly. But, I am actively working on not burning bridges willy-nilly and taking others emotions into account, as much as that runs counter to my nature as an INTP. Anyway, continuing on: Christianity is just an exercise in feeling good. Then, there's more problems, people fretting over the tiny details of everything instead of focusing on the bigger picture which is important. Instead of focusing on the broader vision of the church, who God is, theological positions, etc., too many focus on the minute details. This is stupid, divisive and does absolutely nothing for anyone. This helps people to try to create a God in their own image rather than the one actually in the Bible, because the one in the Bible makes them uncomfortable. They find that anything that makes them uncomfortable about God makes Him "unloving." It's the "logic" of children, and yet, it's the default stance of the Christian church. The church is all about emotion and frankly, appealing to the lowest common denominator. My favorite part is how they tell you that church isn't all about you, it's not about emotion, it's about God! It's ok if you don't feel anything during worship or during sermons, just suck it up and go to church no matter what, even if you don't fit in! Just go, do it for God! Then, they immediately turn around and do everything to make the worship songs as emotional as possible to get a emotional reaction out of you and then craft their sermons to appeal to your emotional state as possible. So, which is it church? Is it not about me and about God, or is about me and not about God? You by trying to make the service an emotional experience automatically makes it about those in the audience by appealing to their emotions. You don't get to turn around and then tell them it's not about their emotions. I'm honestly convinced CS Lewis was correct about music in church: it doesn't belong. Then, the sermons are specifically catered to get an emotional reaction out of you and written as shallow as possible because "you never know if someone who has never been to church before is there." I'm tired of shallow sermons. I'm tired of hearing the exact same damn sermon I've heard one hundred times before. I promise you, whatever it is you're preaching on in the New Testament (the only part you're allowed to preach out of in Christian churches, apparently), I've heard that same sermon many times before. I'm tired of pastors writing their sermons to appeal to the least educated in the crowd. I want something deep and meaty. I get nothing out of your sermons. I can remember many small groups, but never a sermon. Honestly, it's not even worth going to church, just go to a small group. You'll actually dig into the Bible and if they do singing it's not to bring out emotion in you. Anyway, the church is all about making you feel good. It's fake. It's all so fake. To be completely honest, I find conservatives to be far closer to God than progressives. When I think of all the Christians who you could tell there was something different about, when I think about the Christians who pushed me in my faith, it was almost exclusively conservatives. I find their theology on God and salvation to be the only acceptable ones based solely on reading what the Bible actually says. I see conservative Christians acting out their faith far more than I do progressives. Sure, conservatives have horrible theology on marginalized and poor folk, it's horrendous and must be condemned strongly (along with their Biblical literalism), but for the most part I do think their theology and actions are far closer to Christ than progressive Christians. And I will say something that will upset many progressives: having correct theology is in fact, quite important. It's not everything, but it is definitely very important. Not only do conservative's theology align more with the Bible than progressive theology, like I said, I see them actually living out their faith and acting it out far more than progressives, and it's not close. But hey, pride flag outside of progressive church even though they do nothing to serve the neighborhood and aren't welcoming to new-comers. Progressive theology is vapid and shallow. It's void of any substance and frankly, completely disregards the Bible in every way other than it's social justice verses. Then progressives are all ears. Otherwise, the Bible gets thrown out, especially on it's morality teachings. While conservatives are too strict in their views on the Bible, progressives have the exact opposite problem where you wonder why they even bother calling themselves Christians because they have so little regard for the Bible. Anyway, to wrap all this up: the church has no place for logic. It is a realm of emotion and emotions only. It exists solely to make you feel good. In addition to all this, I have no theological home. What church could I go to? There are none. I have the choice between affirming congregations who are liturgical (and I despise liturgical crap) and have nothing to do with the Bible, don't live out their faith, and are unwelcoming, or go to a conservative church which hates my mere existence, but lives out their faith, welcoming to new-comers, and aren't liturgical. I literally cannot even go to church to worship with others. Plus, the only affirming church within walking distance doesn't even take COVID seriously. So, what's the point? What is the point of being a Christian? I cannot find one. I cannot find one reason to remain to a Christian. EDIT: Basically, to be honest, the only reason I say "probably not a Christian" is because I hate absolutes. I like to keep my options open. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not a Christian. But, my desire to have options keeps me from straight out saying it. Once again, it's not from lack of belief. I don't actually disbelieve what the Bible says, there's just no place for me in the faith. 5/4/2022 0 Comments Why Live?I have given up on ever feeling as if I'm part of a community. I genuinely feel like I'm an alien upon this earth. I find myself unable to relate to others. I don't understand emotions. I don't care about the interests every one has, mine are too different. My political beliefs put me at odds with the queer community. My religious beliefs put me at odds with the queer community. Being queer puts me at odds with Christians. I don't know how to socialize or be someone others want to be around, and no one has the time to put up with me as I try to learn how. Even my own family doesn't like talking to me because I'm so bad at it. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I want to die though. I always wanted to be dead by age 25 and to be honest, that desire has only increased over the years. I mean, it's not like I'm physically healthy either. My body is so broken down that it's getting hard to be mobile, and my cognitive functions aren't there anymore. What's the point in living? I want death, the sweet release of death more than anything. I can't hold down friendships. I can't even get a single fucking job. I feel alienated and isolated. I live with my parents (who abused me growing up and are still kinda transphobic among other quite problematic things) because I have no other choice. I want death. I have no more will to live. Things never get better, only worse. That's the only consistent thing in my life. Things only get worse. What's the point in living?
5/2/2022 0 Comments Who Am I?So, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. To be honest, I didn’t know what to say. There was so much going on that there’s no way I could have made a coherent article. Plus, my mental health made a major drop and I have been exhausted. I have not been sleeping well at all. Most days I can't focus on anything at all. Some days I just spend resting. It's been rough. Anyway, enough about that. So, I don't know who I am. I've been pretty open for a bit now about my religious struggles. I don't know if I'm a Christian anymore. In fact, I doubt it and have been considering leaving the faith. So, that's already been on my mind, but now I have a new thing on my mind: I have no idea what my gender really is. I don't know if "woman" really fits me. Sometimes it feels like it does, but much of the time, it doesn't. A lot of the time I don't really find that any gender label fits me. To be honest though, I wonder if I would even have this problem if I really identified with other trans women. Like, I just don't fit in at all in trans femme spaces and don't relate to them for the most part. It wasn't until I realized that I just don't relate that I stopped really finding the label "woman" to fit. Now, I don't know what I am. Like, I know that I NEED a female body, that's not up for debate. I will be on hormones to live with a woman's body till the day I die. But, what gender am I? I don't know. After realizing I just cannot relate at all to other trans women my gender has been thrown into question. We'll see where all this goes. I don't know for now. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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