5/29/2022 0 Comments A Desire to Never Be Fulfilled
(Note: There is an audio version of this blog post at the bottom of the page for those who desire or need it)
Before we start, I want to make something clear, if I were to be a parent, I would adopt. I wouldn’t have my own biological child. Anyway, on with the article: So, something that generally does not haunt me anymore, though it used to, is the fact that I will never be able to give birth. I’ve much made my peace with it at this point. That said, now I am learning to deal with the fact that I will never be a parent at all. I genuinely do not know how I could possibly ever be a parent at all. And frankly, that is kind of depressing. I was watching some TikTok videos a friend sent me about parenting and breaking the cycle. It made me do some thinking. I ended up thinking about two different things. The first thing is this: there is no way in hell I ever get married. Frankly, it’s just not something I care about at all. I just genuinely do not see myself ever getting married. It’s not something I desire, and even if I did, I struggle to hold down the two friendships I currently have. I have no social skills and extreme trust issues. Like, even people I know I can trust I don’t trust. No way in hell could I ever hold down a marriage. I don’t have the maturity, emotional or mental stability to ever do so. I know some would say marriage is not needed to be a parent, but if I were to parent, I would want to provide my kids with the most stable home I could, which would require a partner. Second, most importantly, I would be a terrible parent. I was abused. My parents were abused by their parents. My grandparents were abused by their parents. There’s a cycle of abuse in this family. I don’t want that to continue. I don’t want to be one of those selfish people who have kids just because they want them with no care to being fit to being a parent. I know I wouldn’t be, as much I want to be a parent. Because of the abuse, frankly, I don’t know how to treat others as they should be treated, especially kids. I have had to help watch kids in the past (one of my dad’s old jobs was running a ministry for refugee and immigrants and so me, dad, and my sisters often had to watch the kids while the mothers learned English), and frankly, the moment the kid started threatening my authority it all went to shit and I became as abusive as my parents…with my parents right there watching it and supporting it (for the most part). I do not trust myself to treat the kids as they should be treated. Plus, I am completely inept at emotions. I don’t even understand what I feel most of the time, so how could I ever deal with a kid’s emotions and help them with stuff? In addition, my mental and emotional health is terrible, and that will be felt by the children, affecting them. That wouldn’t be fair to them. Furthermore, I was so sheltered growing up. I have had so few real-world experiences, especially ones that others have had, ones considered normal. How could I help my kids go through the world when I don’t know what it’s like to go to school? I don’t know what it’s like to deal with friendship drama. I rarely had friends growing up and almost none of them last longer than a few months. I didn’t get to watch what others were watching, or listen to what others were listening to, etc. I often was kept inside the house for months on end, not allowed to go out and interact with others or even leave the property. Never got to interact with culture much. How could I be a good parent with such a background?
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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