3/14/2022 0 Comments An Updated View On ChurchI have honestly given up on ever finding a community or making friends offline. It’s something that just won’t happen. One of the communities I would like, in theory to find is a church. I do want to be part of a church. BUT, the problem is that all the affirming churches are liturgical and the congregation is basically nothing but old people. Last year I went to church for a whole two weeks before my car broke down ensuring I couldn’t. I went to one of three openly affirming churches in the area, and the one with the youngest congregation. What I learned was that having the youngest congregation meant the average age was still 75 and that the reason it was “the youngest” was because it had about 6 adults between the ages of 30 and 50, and three kids between the ages of 8 and 12. I don’t think there was a single person there within 10 years of me. And this was the youngest congregation! Most of the time while I was there I was looked upon with suspicion by the old people there, constantly looking at me and wondering why I was there. The only people who said anything to me was an elder of the church and a guy collecting donation envelopes and neither seemed to want to be saying anything to me. Everyone there was dressed up really nice, and I hate that. I can’t stand churches where you’re expected to dress up nice. Then, there was the style of service. It was so traditional. I just can’t do it. I just can’t. I’m sorry, I need a more modern style of service. I’m not saying rock concerts for worship or a charismatic pastor with witty one-liners and memorable catch-phrases. I’m saying, your average evangelical church down the road from you with 70 people that sings mostly 80’s and 90’s choruses but has that one recent worship hit on the radio to stay hip with the times and has a pastor who preaches for 30 minutes and often has props or tells some story about a time they screwed up badly. I’m sorry, but I NEED that kind of service. I genuinely cannot do the slow, liturgical type of service. My mind cannot be shut down. Asking for my mind to stay quiet for more than three seconds is like finding a unicorn. Not going to happen. Meditation and hypnosis do NOT work for me at all. Believe me, I have tried a lot. I need something that is fast paced enough that my mind won’t get completely caught up in it’s own thoughts. Liturgical churches are too slow for my mind. The slowness ensures my brain stops paying attention. Average Joe evangelical church down the road churches are usually the right speed for my brain, not too fast, not too slow. The only variable is the person who’s preaching. Very hit or miss, though to be honest, tiredness also affects that greatly so it’s not always the pastor’s fault if I stop paying attention. That, and to be honest, I find the liturgy and tradition to be stifling and limiting. I find it hard to truly worship God when it’s prescribed to you how to do it. I need things to be more free-flowing, and that goes for anything in my life. I get that some people love the liturgy, as in, seemingly every Christian who’s progressive, especially queer Christians, but I absolutely despise it and my two weeks going to one only made me hate it more. I just don’t see how one could worship God in such an environment, I really don't. Yet, if I want to go to church and be a part of a community of believers, I will have to go to a liturgical church that’s filled with no one even remotely around my age. Honestly, I don’t see how it’s worth it. What’s the point of going to church if you are unable to relate to anyone, no one will be able to relate to you, and you can’t worship God in a way that’s authentic to you? To be honest, it makes me even wonder if it’s worth being a Chrstian at all if there’s just no place for me. Like, there’s clearly not a place for me in the body of Christ, so what’s the point? It feels as if I’m just wasting my time being part of a religion that has no place for me, no place I belong, no place where I can grow, no place where I can serve.
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3/4/2022 2 Comments IsolationThe only thing I feel anymore is a feeling of isolation from the world. To be fair, I have mostly felt this my entire life. Even as a kid, most of my "hanging out" with others was with my parents or sisters. I didn't spend much time with friends (and oftentimes I didn't even have friends). Today, as an adult, the only people I have to spend time with are my parents. Many evenings are spent sitting on a couch watching YouTube videos with both of them, or watching shows or movies with mom, or just sitting on the same couch as mom as we read different things. I just feel so isolated from the world. It makes it worse when I see my youngest sister who is still at home so consistently talking with friends on video calls, going out with friends, etc. My parents don't really have the time to hang out with friends, but they at least do occasionally, stay in constant contact but are in contact with a lot of other people who they spend time with for various reasons. Whenever I go onto Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, it seems like it's full of pics of others spending time with others. When I talk with the two people I know who I can consider friends (on messaging apps. I have met one offline because I used to work with her, and she now lives in Ohio, the other friend lives in Oklahoma, and thus have never met her offline) they have others they spend time with and are meeting others. It really makes me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I have so little experience actually making friends and holding on to friendships. I mean, almost all my friendships died within a year because I suck at maintaining them. Problem is, I'm socially awkward, I am terrified of actually being around people, I am not a good vocal communicator at all, and a lot of other things. Plus, God seems intent on ensuring I never meet others. In August of 2019 I decided I was going to break out of my shell and try to spend time with others and go out and meet others. I was actually breaking out of my shell finally, and then COVID hit at the beginning of 2020. That came to and end. Last fall I decided it was time to break out of my shell again, and go out and meet others. Then, within two weeks, my car broke down ending that. I still cannot drive my car. Nobody wants to hire me. I keep applying to different jobs and nobody calls back, so I don't even get the chance to meet others at work. It feels as if God is doing everything He can to make my life as miserable as possible, like He's seeing how far He can push me before I finally give in and kill myself. I know it's not God though and that blaming everything on Him is wrong, but it feels that way. I know it's wrong though. Another way I feel isolated is religion. In trans circles it seems as if you're a Christian, you love traditional Christian stuff and you love liturgical churches. Heck, it seems as if that's the only way to be a Christian who is on the left at all. The only three affirming churches in my area are liturgical. I went to one for two weeks before my car broke down. I just felt out of place. It didn't feel right. I don't like liturgical stuff. I don't care about traditional Christian stuff. It does nothing for me. At all. My mind is too hyper-active. These churches are too slow for me to pay attention, and if I am paying attention, I am bored out of my mind and end up going back to letting my thoughts run a mile a minute meaning I'm no longer paying attention. That, and I was too scared to actually meet anyone. The only two people I spoke to were two people who worked for the church who introduced themselves to me. I hid in the very back in a corner where people wouldn't pay attention to me because the thought of meeting others scares me that much. My terror of being around people I don't know is greater than my desire to meet others. So, yeah, I don't even relate to anyone when it comes to Christianity. Everyone is into the liturgy, observing weird Christian holidays like Ash Wednesday, and I cannot relate to that at all. I don't want anything to do with any of that stuff. But, all the trans Christians or left Christians I know are into that kind of stuff. It just makes me feel all the more isolated, especially knowing that those are the only types of churches I would be welcome in. To be honest, I wonder if it's even worth it to remain a Christian. I already doubt my salvation due to my distrust of God, how rarely I talk to Him, how rarely I worship Him, etc. Now, because the only community that I could be part of is one I cannot relate to or want to be part of because it won't do anything to edify me, and I won't feel comfortable getting involved with, knowing others, being active in ministry, etc. I don't know whether it's worth it or not. I feel isolated in other ways as well, but right now, this is all I have the energy to talk about. I'm just depressed, have no energy and am tired. So, that's all. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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