3/14/2022 0 Comments An Updated View On ChurchI have honestly given up on ever finding a community or making friends offline. It’s something that just won’t happen. One of the communities I would like, in theory to find is a church. I do want to be part of a church. BUT, the problem is that all the affirming churches are liturgical and the congregation is basically nothing but old people. Last year I went to church for a whole two weeks before my car broke down ensuring I couldn’t. I went to one of three openly affirming churches in the area, and the one with the youngest congregation. What I learned was that having the youngest congregation meant the average age was still 75 and that the reason it was “the youngest” was because it had about 6 adults between the ages of 30 and 50, and three kids between the ages of 8 and 12. I don’t think there was a single person there within 10 years of me. And this was the youngest congregation! Most of the time while I was there I was looked upon with suspicion by the old people there, constantly looking at me and wondering why I was there. The only people who said anything to me was an elder of the church and a guy collecting donation envelopes and neither seemed to want to be saying anything to me. Everyone there was dressed up really nice, and I hate that. I can’t stand churches where you’re expected to dress up nice. Then, there was the style of service. It was so traditional. I just can’t do it. I just can’t. I’m sorry, I need a more modern style of service. I’m not saying rock concerts for worship or a charismatic pastor with witty one-liners and memorable catch-phrases. I’m saying, your average evangelical church down the road from you with 70 people that sings mostly 80’s and 90’s choruses but has that one recent worship hit on the radio to stay hip with the times and has a pastor who preaches for 30 minutes and often has props or tells some story about a time they screwed up badly. I’m sorry, but I NEED that kind of service. I genuinely cannot do the slow, liturgical type of service. My mind cannot be shut down. Asking for my mind to stay quiet for more than three seconds is like finding a unicorn. Not going to happen. Meditation and hypnosis do NOT work for me at all. Believe me, I have tried a lot. I need something that is fast paced enough that my mind won’t get completely caught up in it’s own thoughts. Liturgical churches are too slow for my mind. The slowness ensures my brain stops paying attention. Average Joe evangelical church down the road churches are usually the right speed for my brain, not too fast, not too slow. The only variable is the person who’s preaching. Very hit or miss, though to be honest, tiredness also affects that greatly so it’s not always the pastor’s fault if I stop paying attention. That, and to be honest, I find the liturgy and tradition to be stifling and limiting. I find it hard to truly worship God when it’s prescribed to you how to do it. I need things to be more free-flowing, and that goes for anything in my life. I get that some people love the liturgy, as in, seemingly every Christian who’s progressive, especially queer Christians, but I absolutely despise it and my two weeks going to one only made me hate it more. I just don’t see how one could worship God in such an environment, I really don't. Yet, if I want to go to church and be a part of a community of believers, I will have to go to a liturgical church that’s filled with no one even remotely around my age. Honestly, I don’t see how it’s worth it. What’s the point of going to church if you are unable to relate to anyone, no one will be able to relate to you, and you can’t worship God in a way that’s authentic to you? To be honest, it makes me even wonder if it’s worth being a Chrstian at all if there’s just no place for me. Like, there’s clearly not a place for me in the body of Christ, so what’s the point? It feels as if I’m just wasting my time being part of a religion that has no place for me, no place I belong, no place where I can grow, no place where I can serve.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |