3/28/2021 0 Comments March 28th, 2021I'm struggling so much with suicidal thoughts. I honestly don't have anything left to say in my prayers. Anything left to really hope, if I'm being honest. God would be a fool to listen to anything I say at this point. I'm an arrogant fool. Stubborn too. Prideful. I pass up opportunities He practically places straight on my lap because I let fear get the best of me. I refuse to listen to wisdom and it's council. I am living out the wages of what I sowed. A life foolish, fearful decisions. A lifetime of those decisions never ends well, and neither will it with me. I'm not even worthy to ask the Lord for anything at this point. It would be mere hogwash. Asking God to provide? He's provided many times and I either didn't take Him up or thank Him when I do take the opportunity. Usually, I just fall into fear and pass Him up. Ask for deliverance from these suicidal thoughts? In other words, ask for deliverance from the natural consequences of my actions? I might as well pray for a billion dollars while at it. I just want an end to this mortal coil. I don't deserve Heaven. I know I deserve nothing but Hell for how despicable I am. Especially for how horrible I used to be. I mean, I am still horrible, but in different ways now. At least I don't cyber-bully people now and do and say things that harm people as much anymore. Now, I do other horrible things, such as snub God when I asked for Him for something He provides. I let my pride take control of me regularly. I don't control my tongue at all. I constantly curse other people. I talk violence against others. What is good about me? I refuse to confess some of the worst aspects of my life. Why? Because of pride. The worst sin one could commit. Doesn't that make me unrepentant of the worst aspects of my life? I pridefully believe I can grow spiritually on my own. I am worth nothing. But, as I type that last sentence out, I feel my pride show up and think of myself rather highly. God, how could you ever love me? Don't you see what I am? What is there to love about me? How could you care at all about me? Are you blind? Do you not see the darkest parts of my heart? How could you see them and still love me even one bit. If I were to meet another person just like me I would absolutely hate their guts. That person, I would rightfully assume is a disgusting, horrible monster. Why would you even want to love me at all? I don't understand. I don't understand a thing about you. I don't understand a thing about love. I don't understand forgiveness. I don't understand myself or my pride or my lack of wisdom. I am merely a fool. I ask for forgiveness, Lord. Even though I will absolutely turn around and do something that I should not do.
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3/25/2021 0 Comments March 25th, 2021I hope for a day when I don't feel worthless. I hope for a day when I don't constantly tell myself lies when I am down. I hope for a day when I don't feel as if I am nothing more than a leech. I hope for a day when I don't feel as if I'm not worth it. I hope for a day when I never feel suicidal. I hope for a day when I don't feel "less-than" for being trans. I hope. But do I really though? Or is more of a wish made in vain, with no hope of it happening when I am in such pain?
The vast majority of the time, I don't feel worthless or suicidal or whatever. I don't have great mental health, but it's pretty good most of the time. Generally am not depressed or overwhelmed. Thank you God. That said, this past week has been hell. On Monday night (March 22), I had to go to my parents at 10:45 at night because of how suicidal I was, just in hopes that if I was around others I would be less likely to end my life. This doesn't happen often, thankfully. But, this week has put me through the wringer and has guided me towards questioning my self-worth. I got a job and then had to leave because of how that job collapsed my mental health and raised my dysphoria. I feel so worthless for having had left that job. I feel peace about it, but I also feel worthless for doing it. I need a job so badly, and I have to be at a place that's trans accepting and a place that I can physically handle (I couldn't physically handle that job that I left either). I feel so much self-hatred. I don't feel as if I should be alive. After all, I am one big fuck-up. I know that's not true, but I am having a really hard time convincing myself of that right now. If I can't find a job I feel safe coming out at, and one that I can physically handle soon, which the YWCA requires of me since they're currently paying for my apartment, aren't I just one big failure? I feel like one ready. I feel so much panic. I feel so much anger, mostly towards myself. I feel defeated. I thought everything was finally going right for me for once. Instead, it was all just about to collapse right on me. That is one of the worst parts. It all collapsed on me. Things seemed to finally be working out. I was in the clouds with finally getting a job. Instead, it was merely an illusion. That is probably the part that hurts the worst. The scariest thing about a this is learning that I cannot do another shift as a guy. At all. I straight up can't. My dysphoria is still raging a week later from having done one shift as a guy. So, I will probably have to come out in the interview process. That is super scary to do. I don't know, ok, I am certain that I don't have the strength to do so. Yet, I will have to if I don't want to feel like killing myself when the shift is over. So, that's making me feel awful. I hate having to come out to others. It's scary and it's awkward. I envy straight and cis-gender people for never having to come out. 3/11/2021 0 Comments March 11th, 2021One year. One year since I drove up to Goshen, Indiana from Ft. Wayne, Indiana to go to Mosiac Health & Healing Arts, a informed consent clinic. That day, as a result of my visit there, I would take my first dose of estrogen at 5:18 pm EST. At that moment, all my dysphoria, all my suicidal thoughts and feelings went away. From that moment, my body started changing to reflect who I had always known myself to be. I always knew that I was a girl. Now, I could finally live as one. It's something that has made my life so much better in every way. I actually enjoy living now. Before transition, because of how severe my dysphoria was, my greatest desire was death. There's no exaggeration in that. The thing I wanted most was to die. Now, I want to live. I don't desire death. Not saying I never get suicidal, every now and then I still do, it's so baked into me that it will probably be a long time before it's completely washed out of my system, but thankfully, suicidal thoughts are rare.
There is probably nothing that I thank God for as much as my transition. I'm constantly thanking God for allowing me to finally live as a woman. I remember quite well the dysphoria that came along with living as a man. I have no intention on ever going back, as that would mean certain death for me, and so, as long as I am living as a woman, I will find myself constantly thanking God for allowing me to do so. Seriously, for me, this is the best thing to happen to me, and probably always will be the best thing. It's what allowed me to actually live. Something that has changed a lot, for the better, is my relationships, because of my transition. When I was living as a guy I sucked at relationships. Mostly, due to the fact that I was scared to let anyone get too close, because then they might discover my secret of being a girl. That was a scary thought, so I always did what I could to keep my distance from others. Living as a girl on the other hand, I don't have that hang-up. I don't have anything to hide, I'm free to be authentic. It's definitely boosted the quality of many of my relationships. Not saying that I am great at relationships or anything, I definitely am not great at it, but at least they're a lot better than they used to be. I guess the difference is now that I want to know others for the first time, so that's helping boost the quality. Finally, and probably most important has been my spiritual life. For the first time ever, I am being real with God and I actually trust Him. I'm following Him and have a closeness with Him that I never had living as a guy, or that is, a lie. Now, I'm walking on a honest path, which has removed a huge barrier between me and God that there was before. I'm growing in my faith in a way that I never thought possible now that I am transitioning. Now that I am living as His daughter. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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