3/28/2021 0 Comments March 28th, 2021I'm struggling so much with suicidal thoughts. I honestly don't have anything left to say in my prayers. Anything left to really hope, if I'm being honest. God would be a fool to listen to anything I say at this point. I'm an arrogant fool. Stubborn too. Prideful. I pass up opportunities He practically places straight on my lap because I let fear get the best of me. I refuse to listen to wisdom and it's council. I am living out the wages of what I sowed. A life foolish, fearful decisions. A lifetime of those decisions never ends well, and neither will it with me. I'm not even worthy to ask the Lord for anything at this point. It would be mere hogwash. Asking God to provide? He's provided many times and I either didn't take Him up or thank Him when I do take the opportunity. Usually, I just fall into fear and pass Him up. Ask for deliverance from these suicidal thoughts? In other words, ask for deliverance from the natural consequences of my actions? I might as well pray for a billion dollars while at it. I just want an end to this mortal coil. I don't deserve Heaven. I know I deserve nothing but Hell for how despicable I am. Especially for how horrible I used to be. I mean, I am still horrible, but in different ways now. At least I don't cyber-bully people now and do and say things that harm people as much anymore. Now, I do other horrible things, such as snub God when I asked for Him for something He provides. I let my pride take control of me regularly. I don't control my tongue at all. I constantly curse other people. I talk violence against others. What is good about me? I refuse to confess some of the worst aspects of my life. Why? Because of pride. The worst sin one could commit. Doesn't that make me unrepentant of the worst aspects of my life? I pridefully believe I can grow spiritually on my own. I am worth nothing. But, as I type that last sentence out, I feel my pride show up and think of myself rather highly. God, how could you ever love me? Don't you see what I am? What is there to love about me? How could you care at all about me? Are you blind? Do you not see the darkest parts of my heart? How could you see them and still love me even one bit. If I were to meet another person just like me I would absolutely hate their guts. That person, I would rightfully assume is a disgusting, horrible monster. Why would you even want to love me at all? I don't understand. I don't understand a thing about you. I don't understand a thing about love. I don't understand forgiveness. I don't understand myself or my pride or my lack of wisdom. I am merely a fool. I ask for forgiveness, Lord. Even though I will absolutely turn around and do something that I should not do.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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