10/30/2020 0 Comments Love VoidI feel so empty. There is such a large void inside of me right now. It’s the lack of love. I used to only feel unloved. Now, it’s not just the torture of feeling unloved, it’s torture of not being able to love anyone. Even though my parents never treated me well, I still love them, and always did, and loving them (and my sisters and others) brought my life meaning. It made me as happy as I could be (I never really ever was happy, but it brought me as close to it as possible). I NEED to love people. Being out on my own, how can I? I need to be in a place where I can actively be loving people, because I feel this huge, huge void from no love going in or out. I need to at the very least be loving others or be loved. This state of not being able to do either is unbearable. I find that I don’t care about anything anymore. Do I care if I live? No. Do I care if I die? No. Do I care if I’m abused? No. Do I care if I get a job? No. Do I care if I live in the streets? No. I don’t care about a thing anymore. I feel nothing. The void is overtaking me. I need at the very least to love or be loved. Love has to be going in or out. I thought I’d be happy out on my own. I’m not. I need to be with loved ones.
0 Comments
10/27/2020 0 Comments RelationshipsOne of the hardest things to realize for me is realizing that I am on my own. I have to be the only person I rely on. So, when you’re a really little child, your parents are everything, you rely on them completely, they’re the people you care most about. When you get a bit older, it’s your friends that you care the most about, it’s your friends that make up your world. Once you make it to your teen years you eventually start realizing as they go on, that it’s not so healthy to be so enmeshed in others and you start making your own life. By the time you’re an adult, your parents and friends still matter, but they’re not your world, they’re not the people you truly rely on, you rely on yourself, they’re wonderful additions to your life.
What if you never had that foundation though? What if you couldn’t rely on your parents when you were super little? What if you never really had any friends growing up? What if you never had anyone during that transitional time that is your teen years to learn how to rely more on yourself and have a healthier view of relationships and how they should work? You don’t know how to really function then I didn’t have many friends growing up, and I didn’t have any during my teen years that could be used as a point to learn how to handle adult relationships. Because my view of relationships, namely, friendships are still rooted in the view of friendships of a child, I have struggled so much handling adult friendships. Because I never got the chance to have those important relationships growing up, I never in a way, grew up. My instincts are childish. I never was given the chance to grow up, and now, all of the sudden, I’m expected to just be a grown-up now. I’m expected to be ok with how adult friendships work via child friendships. I’m expected to be ok with not relying on my parents. Honestly, I’m not really ok with all this yet. I’m not ready for any of this yet. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t know how to handle adult relationships. Heck, I barely understand relationships as a child. It’s like being expected to climb to the top of a mountain without any training. I need more time, and yet, that’s one thing I don’t have: time. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being expected to live up to standards that I cannot reach because I was never trained to reach them, but have to, because that’s where I’m supposed to be at my age. I don’t have a safe place to learn any of this stuff either, I just have to hope to figure it out without destroying myself in this cruel, viscous world with no guidance. I may be an adult physically, but I’m still trying to figure out childhood, and now I’m expected to figure out adulthood at the same time? How am I expected to handle this? I need someone to rely on, but yet, I can’t. I’m expected to rely on myself, despite not being emotionally or mentally ready to do so. Yes, it’s literally too much to handle. I almost killed myself a few days ago over it. I need my family. Friends may be “family,” but they’re not family. They’re people who you can enjoy talking to and hanging out with, but when things get rough, they’re not necessarily the people you’re supposed to go to for help. They have no obligation to help you. Unfortunately, I’m in the boat of having no actual family to lean on when things get rough, and expecting friends who have families of their own and friends who they care about far more to help me out. That’s unrealistic. I guess I really don’t know what to do. In all honesty, it makes me want to cut off everybody and just live in the streets on my own or, better yet, dying. I’m being dead serious. I need a family, and unfortunately, I don’t have access to one. 10/24/2020 0 Comments Worthless FeelingsI just feel worthless, parasitic, and completely unloved and that I just don't matter. I've never had much self-esteem or confidence, but it's been nosediving for a bit now, pretty much since I went homeless. Since Thursday when I had to present as a guy all day, my self-esteem has been shattered. I'm back to last year when I didn't even feel like a human. I feel sub-human again. I feel as if I don't matter. If I were to die today, would anyone outside of family really care, and would any of them care because they cared about the real me? I doubt it. I've hidden away from everyone for so long because of the deep shame I carried for being transgender. No one really understands me at all, and if anyone did, they'd want nothing to do with me. I'm just too much of a mess, too broken, too unloveable for anyone to truly care about. It's why I'm so scared whenever someone starts getting close to me, knowing the more they know about me, the less they'll want to know me. Honestly, I've gotten to the point with some of my friends who I'm really close with that I've taken up lying, started pretending to see things and think things that are different from what I really think and feel just to not let them down. I don't want to feel like a parasite to them, which is what I feel like to them. Plus, almost all of them are married and have kids, and even the few that aren't married either have romantic partners and family to tend to or busy with college-work. I'm just burdening them with my problems unnecessarily when they have quite a few already. I'm just tired of feeling like a parasite. All because the two people in this world who are supposed to care about me and love me the most just couldn't find it in them to really care about me. All they found within themselves was to abuse me. Seeing how much of a burden I've laid upon my friends, and how much I rely on them, I guess I deserve it though. If I was a even remotely decent person I'd have this all figured out. I wouldn't need any of them if I had any actual intelligence, motivation, etc. I'm a lazy bum with no motivation outside of intellectual pursuits (which doesn't get you a job) who's leeching off of friends for emotional support when they're struggling enough themselves. Then, they're even financially supporting me at times, which I feel really horrible about. I'm just not worth it. I'm just tired of the pain. I'm just tired of feeling unloved, tired of being told "just trust in God! Humans will fail you, but not God!" Tired of feeling like a parasite. Tired of having no motivation to find a job. Tired of the fact that I accept shitty situations really easily and just settle into it because I don't know anything else to do. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of struggling with self-esteem. I'm so tired I'm often exhausted. Lord, when will you take me home?
And honestly, things haven't been made any better now that I have a roommate. Another trans woman. African-American, early 30's I'm guessing. She passes so well and acts so naturally feminine that I honestly am in disbelief that she was born male. I genuinely cannot believe it. It doesn't seem possible. That's made me feel even worse about myself. I'm seven and a half months into my transition, and I look basically the same as I did back before transition. Sure, my body has changed in many ways, but I still look pretty much the same. I don't really fit in with the other women, and just watching this other trans woman fit in so naturally and look as if she was born female, it's just made me feel so much more horrible about myself. I'll just never fit in like that, and I'm just scared of never passing. Just about all the other trans women about my age were starting to pass, if not already passing at this point. I still have to wear a mask and dress in an obviously feminine manner for anyone to see me as a woman. I'm scared of not passing. I'm just tired of it all. If I'm being honest, these last few days, I've really been struggling with suicidal thoughts. If I'm being honest, if I had a knife right next to me at this moment, I'd use it and end my life. I'm just tired of it all. Just now I looked at my bank account. I don't have a whole lot left. I need to get a new job, and yet, I have no motivation. I'm just a lazy bum. I was reading this book, "A Dad Who Loves You," and in it there's a chapter on motivation, how so many with terrible dads were never motivated to do what needed to get done as children by their dads, and so as adults, they weren't motivated. That may be the chapter I've felt the most. I've never felt motivated for much in my life, and the few times I did, my parents did everything they could to snuff out that motivation. So, now as an adult, I have no motivation to do the stuff I need to do. I'm so used to my situation just getting worse, that I just accept worsening situations now, and don't really have any motivation to pull myself out. I just don't have the motivation to do needed things, like find a job. The only thing I'm motivated to do is to study all day, science, theology, politics, etc. But, as said earlier, that doesn't make one money. So, I have to do something when I was never given motivation to do in the past, and now as an adult, I just can't get myself to do it. I really can't. It takes me forever to even decide on a place to apply for, even if I know I want to work there. My parents raised me to be lazy and worthless. As a toddler they told me I was going to grow up to be unmotivated and lazy. They raised me accordingly. Now, I am lazy and unmotivated. I just feel worthless. 10/10/2020 0 Comments ChaosMy life is beyond chaotic. If I'm being honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. I wasn't raised to be independent, I wasn't raised to live out on my own. Now, I'm out in the world, with literally no idea how to really survive in it, with not much help, my critical thought and logic has died, and I'm running strictly on emotions at this point. Not only that, I've come to realize that I need to be around family. Being separated from family, even if they were abusive, is too much for me. I need family. I just can't be on my own.
I'm planning on quitting my job tomorrow. I don't have another job lined up. I just know I need to leave this one. God has been telling me for awhile to do so, and now my boss is getting abusive towards me. So, I'm really hoping and praying that God provides a new job really soon. But, honestly, I often wonder if it's really God I'm hearing, or just my own thoughts. If it's just my emotions speaking to me or not. I don't know anymore. Anyway, that's really all I got, I just needed to vent. I'm honestly losing my hope. My mental health is on the decline, I'm losing self-esteem, becoming more depressed, more stressed, etc. My life is a mess. There are no good solutions. It feels as if my life is headed right off a cliff in all honesty. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |