10/24/2020 0 Comments Worthless FeelingsI just feel worthless, parasitic, and completely unloved and that I just don't matter. I've never had much self-esteem or confidence, but it's been nosediving for a bit now, pretty much since I went homeless. Since Thursday when I had to present as a guy all day, my self-esteem has been shattered. I'm back to last year when I didn't even feel like a human. I feel sub-human again. I feel as if I don't matter. If I were to die today, would anyone outside of family really care, and would any of them care because they cared about the real me? I doubt it. I've hidden away from everyone for so long because of the deep shame I carried for being transgender. No one really understands me at all, and if anyone did, they'd want nothing to do with me. I'm just too much of a mess, too broken, too unloveable for anyone to truly care about. It's why I'm so scared whenever someone starts getting close to me, knowing the more they know about me, the less they'll want to know me. Honestly, I've gotten to the point with some of my friends who I'm really close with that I've taken up lying, started pretending to see things and think things that are different from what I really think and feel just to not let them down. I don't want to feel like a parasite to them, which is what I feel like to them. Plus, almost all of them are married and have kids, and even the few that aren't married either have romantic partners and family to tend to or busy with college-work. I'm just burdening them with my problems unnecessarily when they have quite a few already. I'm just tired of feeling like a parasite. All because the two people in this world who are supposed to care about me and love me the most just couldn't find it in them to really care about me. All they found within themselves was to abuse me. Seeing how much of a burden I've laid upon my friends, and how much I rely on them, I guess I deserve it though. If I was a even remotely decent person I'd have this all figured out. I wouldn't need any of them if I had any actual intelligence, motivation, etc. I'm a lazy bum with no motivation outside of intellectual pursuits (which doesn't get you a job) who's leeching off of friends for emotional support when they're struggling enough themselves. Then, they're even financially supporting me at times, which I feel really horrible about. I'm just not worth it. I'm just tired of the pain. I'm just tired of feeling unloved, tired of being told "just trust in God! Humans will fail you, but not God!" Tired of feeling like a parasite. Tired of having no motivation to find a job. Tired of the fact that I accept shitty situations really easily and just settle into it because I don't know anything else to do. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of struggling with self-esteem. I'm so tired I'm often exhausted. Lord, when will you take me home?
And honestly, things haven't been made any better now that I have a roommate. Another trans woman. African-American, early 30's I'm guessing. She passes so well and acts so naturally feminine that I honestly am in disbelief that she was born male. I genuinely cannot believe it. It doesn't seem possible. That's made me feel even worse about myself. I'm seven and a half months into my transition, and I look basically the same as I did back before transition. Sure, my body has changed in many ways, but I still look pretty much the same. I don't really fit in with the other women, and just watching this other trans woman fit in so naturally and look as if she was born female, it's just made me feel so much more horrible about myself. I'll just never fit in like that, and I'm just scared of never passing. Just about all the other trans women about my age were starting to pass, if not already passing at this point. I still have to wear a mask and dress in an obviously feminine manner for anyone to see me as a woman. I'm scared of not passing. I'm just tired of it all. If I'm being honest, these last few days, I've really been struggling with suicidal thoughts. If I'm being honest, if I had a knife right next to me at this moment, I'd use it and end my life. I'm just tired of it all. Just now I looked at my bank account. I don't have a whole lot left. I need to get a new job, and yet, I have no motivation. I'm just a lazy bum. I was reading this book, "A Dad Who Loves You," and in it there's a chapter on motivation, how so many with terrible dads were never motivated to do what needed to get done as children by their dads, and so as adults, they weren't motivated. That may be the chapter I've felt the most. I've never felt motivated for much in my life, and the few times I did, my parents did everything they could to snuff out that motivation. So, now as an adult, I have no motivation to do the stuff I need to do. I'm so used to my situation just getting worse, that I just accept worsening situations now, and don't really have any motivation to pull myself out. I just don't have the motivation to do needed things, like find a job. The only thing I'm motivated to do is to study all day, science, theology, politics, etc. But, as said earlier, that doesn't make one money. So, I have to do something when I was never given motivation to do in the past, and now as an adult, I just can't get myself to do it. I really can't. It takes me forever to even decide on a place to apply for, even if I know I want to work there. My parents raised me to be lazy and worthless. As a toddler they told me I was going to grow up to be unmotivated and lazy. They raised me accordingly. Now, I am lazy and unmotivated. I just feel worthless.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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