3/4/2022 2 Comments IsolationThe only thing I feel anymore is a feeling of isolation from the world. To be fair, I have mostly felt this my entire life. Even as a kid, most of my "hanging out" with others was with my parents or sisters. I didn't spend much time with friends (and oftentimes I didn't even have friends). Today, as an adult, the only people I have to spend time with are my parents. Many evenings are spent sitting on a couch watching YouTube videos with both of them, or watching shows or movies with mom, or just sitting on the same couch as mom as we read different things. I just feel so isolated from the world. It makes it worse when I see my youngest sister who is still at home so consistently talking with friends on video calls, going out with friends, etc. My parents don't really have the time to hang out with friends, but they at least do occasionally, stay in constant contact but are in contact with a lot of other people who they spend time with for various reasons. Whenever I go onto Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, it seems like it's full of pics of others spending time with others. When I talk with the two people I know who I can consider friends (on messaging apps. I have met one offline because I used to work with her, and she now lives in Ohio, the other friend lives in Oklahoma, and thus have never met her offline) they have others they spend time with and are meeting others. It really makes me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I have so little experience actually making friends and holding on to friendships. I mean, almost all my friendships died within a year because I suck at maintaining them. Problem is, I'm socially awkward, I am terrified of actually being around people, I am not a good vocal communicator at all, and a lot of other things. Plus, God seems intent on ensuring I never meet others. In August of 2019 I decided I was going to break out of my shell and try to spend time with others and go out and meet others. I was actually breaking out of my shell finally, and then COVID hit at the beginning of 2020. That came to and end. Last fall I decided it was time to break out of my shell again, and go out and meet others. Then, within two weeks, my car broke down ending that. I still cannot drive my car. Nobody wants to hire me. I keep applying to different jobs and nobody calls back, so I don't even get the chance to meet others at work. It feels as if God is doing everything He can to make my life as miserable as possible, like He's seeing how far He can push me before I finally give in and kill myself. I know it's not God though and that blaming everything on Him is wrong, but it feels that way. I know it's wrong though. Another way I feel isolated is religion. In trans circles it seems as if you're a Christian, you love traditional Christian stuff and you love liturgical churches. Heck, it seems as if that's the only way to be a Christian who is on the left at all. The only three affirming churches in my area are liturgical. I went to one for two weeks before my car broke down. I just felt out of place. It didn't feel right. I don't like liturgical stuff. I don't care about traditional Christian stuff. It does nothing for me. At all. My mind is too hyper-active. These churches are too slow for me to pay attention, and if I am paying attention, I am bored out of my mind and end up going back to letting my thoughts run a mile a minute meaning I'm no longer paying attention. That, and I was too scared to actually meet anyone. The only two people I spoke to were two people who worked for the church who introduced themselves to me. I hid in the very back in a corner where people wouldn't pay attention to me because the thought of meeting others scares me that much. My terror of being around people I don't know is greater than my desire to meet others. So, yeah, I don't even relate to anyone when it comes to Christianity. Everyone is into the liturgy, observing weird Christian holidays like Ash Wednesday, and I cannot relate to that at all. I don't want anything to do with any of that stuff. But, all the trans Christians or left Christians I know are into that kind of stuff. It just makes me feel all the more isolated, especially knowing that those are the only types of churches I would be welcome in. To be honest, I wonder if it's even worth it to remain a Christian. I already doubt my salvation due to my distrust of God, how rarely I talk to Him, how rarely I worship Him, etc. Now, because the only community that I could be part of is one I cannot relate to or want to be part of because it won't do anything to edify me, and I won't feel comfortable getting involved with, knowing others, being active in ministry, etc. I don't know whether it's worth it or not. I feel isolated in other ways as well, but right now, this is all I have the energy to talk about. I'm just depressed, have no energy and am tired. So, that's all.
2 Comments
J
3/4/2022 08:53:19 am
Sending you a big hug. Reading this gave me very many fellow associations. I really hope things improve for you. Please don't berate yourself for ever being angry at G-d, they can always take it<3 (ik that's easier said than done). Personally I'm mad at G-d all the time for the injustices in the world. I don't know if I can make it a little bit better, but you are not alone. - hug from a fellow trans person
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3/5/2022 08:30:49 pm
Hey, first off, thanks for commenting!
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
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