7/11/2021 0 Comments A Life of ApathyI have come to really, finally, understand where my apathy comes from. So, what I am talking about when I say “apathy,” is that I know my life sucks. I’m in debt, jobless, no money, little food, etc. Yet, I just accept it and have little to no motivation to do better in life. I don’t really feel the need to improve my life by getting a job or actually have food, and I have been wondering why. I mean, some of it definitely comes from anxiety (such as how to present at interviews) and depression. But I always knew that those couldn’t be the full reasons why. Now, I understand. It’s another long-term effect from abuse growing up. As a kid, you really can’t do much, you don’t have freedoms or rights. You really can’t stand up for yourself. Well, you can, if you want serious consequences that you really don’t want to deal with. As a kid who was abused, my life always was getting worse, never better, because my parents only ever got more abusive over the years because no one was there to tell them “no.” Heck, I didn’t even recognize that I was being abused until I was 19 or 20. I thought the way my parents raised me was normal, not abusive. So, all this time I was learning to become more and more submissive, not only to authority, but to how shitty life could be. I had no other option but to accept a worsening life, to accept worse and worse abuse. I couldn’t fight back, because if I did, things would only get even worse. So, I had to learn to just accept it. To sit back, keep my head down and accept a horrible life. That’s what I have done my entire life. Now, I am being expected to just get back up on my feet and make a better life, when there is no part of my life where I was given the tools or even expected to make my life better. It’s like being expected to drive on the highway your very first time behind the wheel. It’s terrifying and you have no idea what to do. How do you gain motivation to make a better life for yourself when you spent the first 21 years of your 22 years of life suppressing any motivation for a better life just to survive? I was raised my entire life to be completely reliant on my parents, and now I have to just be completely independent. I was never given the tools for any of this. I was just thrown out into the world expected to know how to do everything, how to be motivated and how to be independent when I don’t. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I know I have to develop the tools though. I’m trying. I’m just worried that it will never be enough. I’m trying though. I’m trying to create motivation for a better life instead of just accepting this shitty life situation, but wow is it hard. It requires rejecting all the lessons that have been embedded into me my whole life. I guess that’s the story of my life though. Learning to reject everything I was raised with. Not easy. It must be done, but wow it’s not easy.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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