I'm emotionally attached to my family. I shouldn't be. They have shown time and time again over 22 years that they don't have much regard for me. I'm not important to them. Yet, I love them all so much and desire a relationship with them above all. I know it's not healthy to chase after unreciprocated love, but, how do you stop? How do you just move on and accept that your family, the people who birthed you, raised you, and grew up seeing every day, don't really care that much about having a relationship with you that's not extremely shallow (as in, they want you around, but don't want to actually know you, spend time with you, etc. Basically, they just want to see your face and that's it). How do you get over this, especially when family is the most important thing to you? Also, when your family is the only people in real life you ever interact with (and even then, the interactions are shallow)? I just don't know how to accept this and move on. Especially because, as mentioned, they're really the only people I get to interact with. They're also the only family I really have. I don't have a "chosen family" (outside of one friend who I do consider to be family, but it's a strictly online experience. Not to take away from online relationships as they can be very deep as well, but there is that difference between online and offline), heck, anyone offline I spend time with really. I don't interact with extended family at all either. To be honest, it's highly likely I never see them again. My mom's side is transphobic (but apparently they're supportive, which to be honest I highly doubt, because I remember them making quite a few statements on trans people which were quite awful and using quite a few slurs. So, yeah, I don't trust them when they claim to be supportive the moment their grankid comes out as trans), and my dad's side I was never close with an always felt like an outsider (though they are genuinely supportive from what I hear). Like, there's no replacement for my family. The moment I accept the loss of my blood family, even though I will still see them, but not trying to have a genuine relationship anymore, that's it. No more family. My one desire in life, gone, just like that. I don't have a family anymore. I just can't bring myself to do that. There's so much pain in that. But, there's so much pain in attempting to build a relationship with them as well, as they don't want one. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I want to move on, but that's terrifying and to be honest, I know will only make me feel more lonely than I already feel. I feel so beyond lonely most of the time, and even a good chunk of the time: alone. Completely alone. I am terrified of those feelings intensifying once I stop chasing after that relationship with my family that doesn't want it.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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