6/4/2021 0 Comments June 04th, 2021I don't trust God. I keep failing Him. He gives me great opportunities, but because I'm a fearful idiot, I turn them down. I have honestly stopped asking Him for anything for me. If I pray, which is getting more and more rare, I only pray for others. I don't pray for myself anymore. Why should I? I never take advantage of any of the opportunities He presents me either out of depression or fear. God shouldn't give me anything. I keep squandering His grace. That, and I keep failing Him in every other way as well. Bitterness and anger are constantly taking over my life. I always allow my cynicism to turn into bitterness and anger and start dreaming of violence and wishing death on people I can't stand. I'm not loving. I'm not loving at all. I don't live a life that looks anything like Jesus. I can't. I know so many, including people around my age who when you meet them, you just feel the Holy Spirit. You know there is something different about them. You feel the love and grace they have just being in their presence. Then there's me. I always allow myself to fall into hatred and fear. I allow my doubts to win. I have no strength anymore. I don't trust God. I don't even go to Him for anything anymore. I shouldn't even bother asking Him for anything, because I won't take advantage of it. I'm a failure. I'm a horrible Christian who can't love. I'm a Christian who can't trust God. I can't even understand what love even is. I can't even get myself to read the Bible. I let fear win. Maybe I am nothing more than a vessel prepared for God's wrath. That's what I assumed I was years ago before accepting myself as trans. Maybe I was right, but not for the reasons I assumed. Back then I assumed I was just a vessel of God's wrath because I was trans. Now it's because my life is the exact opposite of everything in the Bible, heck, the exact opposite of what I even preach. To be honest, I don't practice what I preach. Most of what I preach I just say in hopes that if I put it out there publicly, I'll start living that way. But, I have no accountability at the end of the day, so I don't change. I feel no connection to God. It feels as if there's a wall between us. Maybe because I have no connection with the rest of the body of Christ due to bitterness and fear. I don't know how to change. I want to. I don't know how. I literally cannot live with myself the way I am right now. I have been desiring death so much lately because of how bad my life is right now. All I feel is intense shame. If I'm being honest, I don't really even know if I am a Christian anymore. If I am not practicing anything I preach. If I don't trust God, and don't love, am I a Christian? Just from what I have read in the Bible, I don't think so. Just fucked up too much. I don't know. I don't know anything. If I am being honest, I wouldn't even know what to pray for anymore. I have nothing left. Just my pride, my cynicism, my bitterness and anger. My brokeness. My shitty life. My lack of faith. God, if you are out there and love me… I don't even know. I wish I could talk to you. But, how? Even if I could understand how, what do I even say? Shouldn't I have all this figured out by now? All I guess I can say is: please forgive me, though that's probably the very last thing I should ask for. I don't deserve any at all. All I do is fuck everything up. Please just forgive me God. I used to ask you to use me. I used to ask you to be my provider. I don't know how I could ask you for those things again when I was always so ungrateful and fearful. Just please forgive me God. Even if I am eternally damned. Just forgive me for my lack of trust, at least. I've got nothing left God. I won't even ask for strength. I don't deserve any and shouldn't have any. I will just squander it. That's all I ever do.
Oh, and God, one last thing. You know that situation that is going on? The one that literally no one else knows about except you and me? The one in which I know what the right thing to do is, but am too scared to do so because it could cause further divisions between me and my parents and my parents are all I have right now? Like, why would you give me such a moral dilemma? My parents are all I have God, you know that. We don't have the best relationship to start with, but they are all I have. I don't have anyone else I ever get to see in real life. They are the only people in my life who are family, even if they're not much of a family because of how abusive they are. You know I don't have a chosen family to spend time with. I don't have a spiritual family to be around. Why would you ask for me to do this thing that could cause a division? Sure, this thing wouldn't end a relationship between us by itself, but it could be just another fracture that leads to a completely broken relationship someday (as opposed to a pretty broken relationship now). I have to keep my parents. They're all I got and I left them once. I don't have the strength to cut them out of my life again if this just leads to more fracturing. I just wish I could talk about this. Why did you give me such a dilemma that I had to carry the burden of alone? It's times like this that I hate you, if I am being honest. I know it's wrong too. Hate is a sin, and you are the creator of the universe. Heck, you created me. The only reason I breathe or think or type plant of this out is because of you. Yet, sometimes, I literally hate you, such as when I think of this moral dilemma. Help me dear God to not hate you.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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