6/13/2021 0 Comments June 13th, 2021I have been slowly learning how true it is that whatever your relationship with your parents is like is a reflection of your relationship with God. I don't trust my parents and I don't trust God. I don't see either as good. My parents are abusive, and in the same way I see God as abusive. Those have already been established. Tonight I also realized that because I have always felt like a burden to my parents, I feel like a burden to God. I am terrified to ask Him for anything that's not extremely small. I don't want to be a nuisance. Plus, I am just used to going it alone. I believe I have to do everything in life completely alone or I have failed, because my family was never there for me growing up.
Just as I have always been scared of my parents, I am scared of God. Just as I have always been a let down to my parents, I consistently feel as if I am a let-down to God. If I am being honest, I don't believe His grace extends to me. Everytime I fuck up, I feel as if I have let-down God. I don't believe He could ever forgive me. Whenever I fucked up growing up I hid from my parents, because they never handled anything well. Now, I am attempting to hide from God because I am terrified of his wrath and punishing me in unfair ways. I don't believe God is good or just. I genuinely believe He hates me. Just as I always believed my parents did. Why God do you have to present yourself as our parent? An image that is so harmful? My parents never listened to me. They never were available, or, should I say, claimed to just "not have the time" for me, so I feel that God isn't available for me. I don't believe God will ever be there for me. I always feel a distance between me and God just as I always feel a distance between me and my parents. I don't believe God is there for me. He may be there for others, but not for me. I don't believe at all that He has my best interest in mind. I don't believe even remotely that He loves me. I don't view Him as the good shepherd, searching for the wandering. I view Him as the shepherd who left me to the wolves. In all honesty, I believe He hates me, just as I hate Him. All I feel in my heart is anger and bitterness. Anger and bitterness towards my parents and God. Mostly God. I have one cold, black heart. When the roll is called up yonder, I don't believe I will be there, at all. If I were a betting woman I would put all my money on spending eternity separated from God. I don't know what to do. What to believe. How to love. How to move on. I hate this bitterness and anger. I hate not believing that God loves me. I hate feeling like a nuisance to God and all these things. I just don't know how to change. The more I try to change, the worse everything gets.
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AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
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