4/11/2020 0 Comments Struggles With Support and Living Today is one of those days I can’t escape from my lack of support. I don’t have people I can go to in times of crisis or great need. I can’t rely on my family, as they’ve never been there for me in the past, and show no interest in meeting me where I am at. They want me to be where they desire me to be. They refuse to treat me for who I am and what I’ve been going through, so I can’t lean on them. I have no friends, I have people I talk to, but when crap hits the fan, well, they have their own lives and own families to tend to. They can’t (and shouldn’t) drop everything for me, despite how much they tell me they’re here for me. I don’t have a therapist, either, and it’s hard for me to want one despite how much I know I need one. The therapist is a person of their own, a complete stranger that you’re paying to pretend to care about you, to pretend they care about what you’ve been through and are going through. Not only that, they have their own lives to tend to, and their own mental health to care about, it just feels wrong dumping your problems on them. If you can’t bear your burden, why should you burden someone else with it? Why should I pass the pain on? That’s wrong. Going back to the people I talk to, even if I could call them friends, and for the sake of ease on my part, we’ll just call them friends anyway, they’re their own people with their own problems. We’re all going through hard things in our lives, especially right now with the coronavirus. Who am I, someone they’re not related to, and have no responsibility to care about bother them with anything, just so I can feel better? I just made someone else feel worse! I’m a monster for even seriously considering such a thing! I know that everyone says that you’re supposed to open up, and not hold things in, because it’s destructive, and it is. Believe me, I know, it’s destroyed me, but I can’t get over how sharing these problems isn’t a problem in and of itself. That’s destructive as well, you’re tearing other people down. I always try, and I open up to people, like you’re supposed to, and I feel good for awhile, and then something happens that makes me realize the truth again, you’re harming people just to feel good about yourself. It’s immoral to share your problems. The only people who should be burdened with your problems are your family. They’re the ones you share life with afterall, if one member of the family is suffering, well, it affects the family. Problem is when you have a family that does not care about you, like mine. You don’t get that outlet. Therefore, you have to learn to suffer through it, and keep it to yourself, no matter how much of a burden it is. There’s no one else that you can go to without being immoral afterall. Yes, it’s wrong you have to keep it to yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you have the right to wrong someone else as well. That’s where I am at, again. No matter what I do, this is where I end up again. I just can’t escape this. If you don’t have a loving family, you’re completely screwed. They’re your support system. Relying on others is wrong. If you don’t have that, congrats, you’ve lost the lottery of life. Too bad, get over it. I’m just tired of it.
At this point it honestly feels better if I just died naturally. Killing myself would just pass the pain on, which is wrong. Living is just burdening others. My being trans harms my family. It’s something they cannot accept, and therefore, I am asking them to choose between me and their beliefs, and therefore, will force the family to break apart. I am harming people just by existing. My very existence is immoral. It is better if I die naturally. Yes, there will be pain, but it will be over in a short while. They’ll get over it. Me living as a woman, that’s a pain they’ll have to live with the rest of their lives.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorHi! I'm Anna, a currently transitioning transgender woman! I started my blog "Ramblings of a Trans Woman" as therapy for gender and identity issues and abuse from my parents and church. Hopefully, someone else out there can get something from this. If you want to talk, just get in contact with me, there's plenty of ways how and we'll discuss the best way to talk! Archives
June 2022
CategoriesAll 2020 Abuse April 2020 Christianity Febraury 2020 Love Marriage |